While I was walking down the beach one bright and sunny day,
I saw a great big wooden box a-floating in the bay.
I pulled it in and opened it up and much to my surprise,
Ooh, I discovered a * * * right before my eyes.
Ooh, I discovered a * * * right before my eyes.
I picked it up and ran to town as happy as a king.
I took it to a guy I knew who'd buy 'most anything.
But this is what he hollered at me as I walked in his shop:
"Ooh, get out of here with that * * * before I call a cop!
Ooh, get out of here with that * * * before I call a cop!"
I turned around and got right out, a-running for my life.
And then I took it home with me to give it to my wife.
But this is what she hollered at me as I walked in the door:
"Ooh, get out of here with that * * * and don't come back no more!
Ooh, get out of here with that * * * and don't come back no more!"
I wandered all around the town until I chanced to meet
A hobo who was looking for a handout on the street.
He said he'd take 'most any old thing. He was a desperate man.
But when I showed him the * * *, he turned around and ran.
Ooh, when I showed him the * * *, he turned around and ran.
I wandered on for many years, a victim of my fate,
Until one day I came upon Saint Peter at the Gate.
And when I tried to take it inside, he told me where to go:
"Get out of here with that * * *, and take it down below!
Oh, get out of here with that * * *, and take it down below!"
The moral of this story is if you're out on the beach
And you should see a great big box and it's within your reach,
Don't ever stop and open it up. That's my advice to you.
'Cause you'll never get rid of the * * *, no matter what you do.
Oh, you'll never get rid of the * * *, no matter what you do.
Title: The Chandler's Wife
Lyrics transcribed by: Jeff Morris
As I went into the chandler's shop, some candles for to buy,
I looked about the chandler's shop, but no one did I spy.
Well, I was disappointed, so some angry words I said,
When I heard the sound of a * * * right above my head.
Yes, I heard the sound of a * * * right above my head.
Well, I was slick, and I was quick, so up the stairs I fled,
And very surprised was I to find the chandler's wife in bed,
And with her was another man of quite considerable size,
And they were having a * * * right before my eyes.
Yes, they were having a * * * right before my eyes.
Ah, when the fun was over and done, the lady raised her head,
And very surprised was she to find me standin' by the bed.
"If you'll be discrete, my boy, if you will be so kind,
You two can come up for some * * * whenever you feel inclined.
You two can come up for some * * * whenever you feel inclined."
So, many a night, and many a day, when the chandler wasn't home,
To get myself some candles, to the chandler's shop I'd roam.
But never a one she give to me, she give to me instead
Just a little bit more of that * * * to light my way to bed.
Just a little bit more of that * * * to light my way to bed.
Now, all ye married men, take heed, whenever you go to town.
If you must leave your woman alone, be sure to tie her down.
Or if you would be kind to her, just set her down there on the floor,
And give her so much of that * * * she doesn't want any more.
Yes, give her so much of that * * * she doesn't want any more.