entered by Bill Kinnersley; update by Philip Sternenberg 8-12-2001

Allan in Wonderland

  1. Skin
  2. Lotsa Luck
  3. Green Stamps
  4. Holiday for States
  5. You Need an Analyst
  6. The Dropouts' March

  7. I Can't Dance
  8. Night and Day (With Punctuaton Marks)
  9. Little Butterball
  10. Good Advice


(Parody of "Heart" by Eddie Fisher)

You gotta have skin.
All you really need is skin.
Skin's the thing that if you got it outside,
It helps keep your insides in.

It covers your nose,
And it's wrapped around your toes.
And inside it you put lemon meringue,
And outside ya hang your clothes.

Skin is what ya feel at home in.
And without it, furthermore,
Both your liver and abdomen
Would keep falling on the floor.

(And you'd be dressed in your intestine)

A Siamese twin
Needs an extra set of skin.
When the doctor knows that you're feeling sick
Where does he stick his needle in?
In the end of your skin.

All your friends and all your kinfolks,
Whether poor or whether rich,
They have all got lots of skin, folks,
It's convenient when they itch.

(Nothing can match it when ya scratch it)

It fits perfectly.
Yours fits you, and mine fits me.
When you're sitting down, it folds and looks grand.
And then when you stand, it's where it's been.
Ain't ya glad you've got skin!

When you were just a little baby, why your skin fit fine.
And it still is gonna fit you when you're six foot nine.
So whether you're fat, tall, big, small, chubby or thin,
Ain't ya glad you've got skin!

Lotsa Luck

(Parody of ???)

When you're driving through the desert, and your car runs out of gas,
Lotsa luck, pal, lotsa luck.
When you try to stop some strangers they will holler as they pass,
Lotsa luck, pal, lotsa luck.
So you walk eight miles, and all uphill, to call the Auto Club,
And the whole thing's nip and tuck.
'Cause they'll ask you for your number, and your number's in your wallet, and your wallet's in your car, so lotsa luck.

When your television set breaks down and needs repairin' bad,
Lotsa luck, pal, lotsa luck.
You look through the Yellow Pages for an honest-looking ad.
Lotsa luck, pal, lotsa luck.
Then the fellow comes, and says your set must go into the shop,
And he takes it in his truck.
Four months later when he brings it back, it's someone else's set, besides he drops it down the steps, so lotsa luck.

Some people think a horseshoe's gonna bring them lots of luck.
A horseshoe is a luck charm, of course.
But for every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck,
Somewhere in this world's a barefoot horse. (a barefoot horse)

When you buy a tape recorder of the automatic kind,
Lotsa luck, pal, lotsa luck.
If it's simplified for folks who aren't mechanically inclined,
Lotsa luck, pal, lotsa luck.
There's a small instruction booklet that's one hundred pages long,
And on page one you get stuck.
It says, if unsatisfactory you must bring this to the factory, and the factory's in Japan, so Rotsa Ruck!

Green Stamps

(Parody of "Green Eyes" by Jimmy Dorsey & His Orchestra with vocal by Bob Eberly & Helen O'Connell)

Thrill me with your Green Stamps.
I love your little Green Stamps.
I took collecting Green Stamps.
I love the way they look.

Oh how I love to pick them.
I pick them up, and lick them.
I lick them, then I stick them
In my brown Green Stamp book.

All day and night I'm dreaming.
I'm dreaming of redeeming
My Green Stamps for a toaster,
So gleaming and deluxe.

Oh how it will thrill me,
And please me and fulfill me,
To know my toaster only cost me
Fourteen hundred bucks.

I drive up to the market.
I stop my car and park it.
I buy a lot of strange things
Of which I've never heard.

I buy, though it's not urgent,
Two truckloads of detergent,
Three hundred pounds of bird seed,
Though I don't have a bird.

Some extract of vanilla,
Enough to feed Godzilla.
Then I'll trade all my Green Stamps
For something I can drive.

A car is what I hope for,
What I bought all that soap for.
They promise me the first Studebaker
Made in 1965.

Holiday For States

(Parody of "Holiday For Strings")

There are songs about Montana,
And New York and Indiana,
But the song the nation patiently awaits
Is the song I now will bring you,
As I clear my throat and sing you
A love song to the whole United States.

(I love you)

District of Columbia, New Hampshire, Massachusetts,
Alabama, South Dakota, North Dakota, Minnesota,
Oklahoma, West Virginia,
California, Georgia, Texas, Maine.

Mississippi, Washington, South Carolina, Arkansas,
North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Iowa,
Nevada, Kansas, Arizona,
Colorado, Michigan.

New Jersey.
New York, New Mexico.
Ohio, Illinois.
Missouri, Indiana and Montana.

Pennsylvania, Florida, Wisconsin, Utah, Maryland,
Kentucky, Oregon, Rhode Island,
Idaho, Hawaii,
And Vermont, Virginia, Delaware,
Wyoming, and Connecti-cut!

You Need An Analyst

(Parody of "As Some Day It May Happen" from Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Mikado or The Town Of Titipu")

If you're always stealing goodies from a big department store,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If your pocket's full of little things you never owned before,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If somebody says "Good morning," and politely tips his hat,
And you frown and say, "I wonder what he really meant by that,
If you're walking down the sidewalk and you won't step on a crack,
You're afraid if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back,
If you're at the Philharmonic and you start to do the twist,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.

(You need an analyst, you need an analyst,
We really must insist that you see an analyst.)

If you're freezing or you're sweating from imaginary ills,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If you tiptoe into bed and you're as quiet as a mouse,
But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else's house,
If you have a brand new raincoat, and of it you're very fond,
In fact, you'd rather be alone with it than with a blonde,
If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.

(You need an analyst, you need an analyst,
We really must insist that you see an analyst.)

If you're always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If you've got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte,
If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art,
If you're walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes,
And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis Blues,
Or if you're forty-six years old and never have been kissed,
Go kiss an analyst, a psychoanalyst.

(Go kiss an analyst, go kiss an analyst,
We really must insist that you kiss an analyst.)

If you're always having arguments when no one else is there,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear,
You need an analyst, a psychoanalyst.
If you dream you've got a purple dragon next to you in bed,
And you wake up and your dragon isn't purple, it is red,
If you eat those little prizes, and you save the Crackerjacks,
If you really think they're ever gonna cut the income tax,
You need an analyst,
(You need) I need (he needs) we need
Everybody needs an analyst.

The Dropouts' March

(Parody of ???)

(No more pencils, no more books,
No more teachers' dirty looks.
Dropouts! dropouts! Yeah team!)

On, dropouts, down the field,
Ain't we the national shame.
Cheer for our fun-loving breed,
Who can't hardly read,
Or write our name.
March, dropouts, backward march.
Ain't we a tragedy.
Leave us unite, and fight, fight, fight
For good old stupidity.



Drop, dropouts, out of school,
Proud of the will to fail.
You won't find us in the school halls.
Look in the pool halls, or in jail.
Long may our colors wave,
Sons of the black and blue.
Light-hearted chaps
Who steal hubcaps,
We've got nothing else to do.

Ignoramus there you are,
Sitting in your hopped-up car,
And your brains ain't up to par,
And your ears stick out too far.

Go, dropouts, go and buy,
One comic book or two.
You need some rest and enjoyment,
Your unemployment check is due.
Soon, dropouts, very soon,
You'll wear a different hat.
Soon you will be in the Army.
Just try dropping out of that!

I Can't Dance

(Parody of Edvard Grieg's "Norwegian Dance, Opus 35, Number 2")

I can't dance.
I can't dance.
Besides, I'm two feet shorter than the girls are.
All these dancing parties are just plain dumb.
When they asked, I should have said, "I can't come."
There's a girl with braces,
Standing by the punch bowl and she's making funny faces.
I guess she wants to dance.

I can't dance.
I can't dance.
Besides I look so awful in these braces.
If that boy wants me to dance, I'll just die.
I'm so tall, and he's about three feet high.
Ever since September,
I've been taking dancing lessons, now I can't remember
How the heck to dance.

Pardon me.
My name's Jeff.
And I don't mind if you are tall and skinny.
And those braces on your teeth,
They're real neat.
Thank you for the compliment, Gee you're sweet.
Your name is Carlotta.
I met you last summer when we went to Camp Granada.
We oughta try to dance.

Right foot first.
Left foot next.
I think you're 'sposed to do it to the music.
You don't really look so bad, just your ears.
When do you take your braces off?
Four more years.
By the time your teeth are ready,
I'll be two feet taller, and I'll ask you to go steady.
Then we'll dance.

Night And Day (With Punctuation Marks)

(Reworking of "Night And Day" by Cole Porter)

Like the beat comma beat comma beat of the tom hyphen tom,
When the jungle shadows fall.
Like the tick hyphen tick hyphen tock of the stately clock,
As it stands against the wall.
Like the drip comma drip comma drip of the raindrops,
When the summer shower is through.
Some voice within me keeps repeating
Colon, quotation mark.
You comma you comma you, exclamation point.
Close quotation, period, dash.

Night and day, comma.
You are the one, dash.
Only to you comma beneath the moon comma and under the sun.
Whether near to me or far, dot dot dot,
It's no matter comma darling comma where you are, dash.
I think of you, comma.
Night and day, period. New paragraph.
Night and day, exclamation point.
Under the height of me. Dash.
There's an oh such a hungry yearning comma
Burning parenthesis inside of me.
Closed parenthesis, period.
(Well, "inside of me" is a parenthetical phrase that describes where the yearning is burning.)
And torment won't be through
Until you let me spend my life making love to you. Asterisk!
('Cause there's a footnote at the bottom that tells who's making love to who.)
Spend my life making love to you.
Day and night?
Night and day, question mark.
Night and day.

Little Butterball

(Parody of "Little Buttercup" from Gilbert & Sullivan's "HMS Pinafore")

I'm called Little Butterball,
Dear Little Butterball,
'Though I could never tell why.
My calories mount.
My cholesterol count
Is as high as an elephant's eye.

They told me to diet.
I promised I'd try it,
Yet somehow my weight would not budge.
Each Metrecal cookie
To me tasted ookie,
So I covered it with hot fudge.

I ate watercresses,
And other such messes,
And pushed all my favorites aside.
I said to the caterers,
"No more mashed potaterers,
Just baked, and hash browned, and french fried."

I sing this sad song
'Cause my diet went wrong,
'Though I honestly tried to pay heed.
I don't care how high
Is an elephant's eye,
But an elephant's rear I don't need!

Good Advice

I know a man named Otis who invented a room,
And his heart was filled with pride.
I said to Mr. Otis, "What does your room do?"
He said, "It goes from side to side."
So I said, "Mr. Otis, if you take my advice,
You'll be the richest man in town.
You gotta take that room that goes from side to side,
And make it go up and down."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I sincerely doubt
That the world could do without
My good advice.

Sir Isaac Newton came around to my house one day.
His face was all sunburned and red.
He said he didn't want to sleep in the shade of a tree,
Because an apple might fall on his head.
I said, "Sir Isaac, you dumbbell, take my advice.
Go right back there and sleep beneath that tree.
And if you let that rotten apple fall down on your head,
Why you'll discover gravity."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
The world's a better place,
Since I gave the human race
My good advice.

A man named Mr. Waterman invented a tube.
He was sad because it sprung a little leak.
He said, "Darn it, when I hold my tube on a piece of paper,
The ink leaks out and makes a little streak."
He said, "I've gotta find a way to stop that leak.
I'll start working on my leakproof tube again."
I said, "Waterman, you idiot, don't stop that leak.
You just invented a fountain pen."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I'm so worldly wise,
I should get the Nobel Prize,
For good advice.

Good old Henry Ford, he was a hardworking man.
He worked all night and all day.
I said, "Henry, watcha doin'?"
And Henry, he said, "I'm inventing the Chevrolet."
He said, "I've already built twenty-five models,
One for each letter from A to Z."
I said, "Henry, you fool, there are twenty-six letters in the alphabet.
He said, "Good heavens, I forgot the Model T."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
It's fruitful as can be,
And it's absolutely free.
My good advice.

Wilbur and Orville were two brothers named Wright.
The nicest pair of kids you've ever seen.
They worked twelve years on a secret project.
They thought it was a washing machine.
I said, "Fellas, what are all those wings for?"
They said, "For hanging clothes out to dry."
I said, "You fools, take that washing machine out to Kitty Hawk,
And see if the darn thing'll fly."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I'm so smart that I'm
Gonna win a Guggenheim,
For good advice.

(One more time)

Benjamin Franklin was a charming old man,
He was always flying his kite.
One night I said, "Benjy, why ain't you out with your kite?"
He said, "Because it's raining tonight."
I said, "Benjy, sweety, you go right back out there,
And to your kite string tie a key.
This may shock you, Benjy my boy,
But that's electricity."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
I'll be fond of you
If you'll only listen to
My good advice.

Ooga Magoog was a Neanderthal man,
A very poorly educated soul.
He had a great big square thing made of solid stone,
And in the middle of it was a hole.
One day he had to go from his cave in Natchez
To his uncle's cave in Mobile.
I said, "Round off those corners
And buy a set of tires,
And Ooky baby, that's a wheel."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
Harvard offered me
A Phi Beta Kappa key
For good advice.

Sigmund Freud, he had an unfurnished house.
He was a very nosy fellow, so it seems.
He had no chairs,
So he made all his friends stand around all day,
And tell him all their secrets and their dreams.
Well, while they stood there talking 'till they got fallen arches,
They yelled, "My feet are killing me. Ouch!"
I said, "Sigmund, don't you realize you've got a gold mine here.
Go out and buy yourself a leather couch."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
Every word you're told
Will be 18 karat gold,
That's good advice.

Alexander Graham Bell was building a fence
With some wood, and a long piece of wire.
He said, "There's something strange going on around here.
I keep hearing the voice of Uncle Myer."
I said, "Mr. Graham Cracker," (that was my little joke)
"With that wire you got the world in your palm.
Just get a mouthpiece, and an earpiece, and a piece in between,
And you'll sponsor The Telephone Hour."

And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's worth the price.
Every word ya hear
Is the message of the year,
It's good advice.

Christopher Columbus was a seaman second class
When I told him that the Indies could be found
By sailing to the West instead of sailing to the East.
I advised him that I thought the world was round.
(I really thought so.)
And then I sent him down to ask good Queen Isabella
To pawn her jewels for all their worth.
Next day he set sail, and as everyone knows,
He fell off the edge of the Earth.

And that was bad advice, bad advice.
Bad advice is just the same as good advice.
Everybody makes
Occasional mistakes,
And that was bad advice.

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