entered by Jeff Morris
Proofreading by Michael Shoshani

Togetherness

Contents:
  1. Westchester Hadassah
  2. Strange Things In My Soup
  3. Turn Back The Clock
  4. Signs
  5. Down The Drain
  6. Plan Ahead

  7. Togetherness
  8. Spanish Flea
  9. My Aunt Minnie
  10. If I Were A Tishman
  11. There's No Governor Like Our New Governor

Westchester Hadassah

(parody of "Winchester Cathedral" by The New Vaudeville Band)

No more-a my dough,
No more-a my dough,
No more-a my dough-de-o-dough.

Westchester Hadassah,
I gave all my dough.
I'll give you one more thing:
A definite "no!"

Remember that luncheon
In honor of me?
You made me contribute
Anonymously.

Remember last year
When you gave a masquerade ball?
I came as a turnip
Just to see you try to squeeze my blood and all.

Westchester Hadassah,
I'm trying my best.
Enclosed is one dollar,
I'll owe you the rest.

No more-a my dough,
No more-a my dough,
No more-a my dough-de-o-dough.

Remember that raffle
When you held your monster bazaar?
I bought all the tickets,
All but one, and that was the one that won the car!

Westchester Hadassah,
How wrong can you be?
I'm not even Jewish.
Stop pestering me!

No more-a my dough,
No more-a my dough,
No more-a my dough-de-o-dough.


Strange Things In My Soup

(based on "Strangers In The Night" by Frank Sinatra)

Soupy doopy doop,
Oh soupy doopy.
Soupy doopy doop,
Oh soupy doopy.

Strange things in my soup,
That's what I found there.
Little tiny things
That move around there.
Looking down I see,
They're looking up at me.

Strange things can be seen,
They're scattered sparsely.
Strange things that are green,
But are not parsely.
In my bowl they've made
Their little aquacade.

Soup was meant to be
Completely free of all extraneous debris
Except for now and then a noodle or some rice
But these things aren't nice.
See them swimming, splashing, thriving,
Holy smoke, they're scuba diving.

In my bouillabaisse
I looked and then I
Saw a tiny face
With large antennae
And I heard him say,
"Ooh, the soup is good today."

I let out a whoop,
I hollered, "Waiter, there are Strangers in my soup!"
And when he came I said, "Now I'm a connoisseur,
I ordered soup de jour."
He said, "Look, I'm just a waiter,
You need an exterminator.

You ordered soup de jour,
I knew you dug soup.
I brought the soup de jour,
Today it's bug soup.
That explains the group
Of strangers in your soup."

Soupy doopy doop,
Oh soupy doopy.
Soupy doopy doop,
Oh soupy doopy.
Soupy doopy doop...


Turn Back The Clock

Turn back the clock
And recall what you did
Back on the block where
You lived as a kid.
And if you think every kid nowadays
Is a nut or a kook or a fool,
Just turn back the clock
And recall what you said
When you were a kid in school.

Ah, your mother wears army shoes!
Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

Teacher, teacher, I declare,
I see your purple underwear.

Margarite, go wash your feet,
The board of health's across the street.

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice,
Pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

Inka binka, bottle of ink,
The cork fell out and you stink.

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised!

Mary had a little lamb,
She also had a bear.
I've often seen her little lamb,
But I've never seen her bare.

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I copied your paper and I flunked too.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Whenever it rains, I think of you - drip, drip, drip!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I still say your mother wears army shoes!

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.

Your mother is a burglar,
Your father is a spy,
And you're the dirty little rat
Who told the F.B.I.

Dirty Lil, Dirty Lil,
Lives on top of Garbage Hill,
Never took a bath and never will,
Yuck, pooey, Dirty Lil.

Oh what a face, oh what a figure,
Two more legs and you'd look like Trigger!

A B C D goldfish?
L M N O goldfish.
S A R 2 goldfish, C M?

Turn back the clock
And recall what you did
Back on the block where
You lived as a kid.
And if you think every kid nowadays
Is a nut or a kook or a fool,
Just turn back the clock
And recall what you said
When you were a kid in school.

There goes your father wearing your mother's army shoes!


Signs

Keep off the grass.
Children at play.
No deposit, no return.
No casting today.

Wait for the dialtone.
Do not fold, do not bend.
Do not open till Christmas.
Open other end.

No checks cashed,
Make deliveries in the rear.
Shake well before using.
This end up, my dear.

Close cover before striking.
Do not push, do not shove.
No shorts in the dining room.
Dump no rubbish, my love.
(Don't be a fool, don't be a fool, my love.)

Made in Japan.
Slippery when wet.
Save this wrapper to dispose of gum.
All sales final, my pet.

Do not write in this space.
Do not cross double line.
For external use only.
Inspected by number 29.

Curb your dog.
Keep away from heat.
Do not remove this tag
Under penalty of law, my sweet!

Speed checked by radar.
Positively no admission.
Oh my darling, if pain persists,
Consult physician!

My love gave me a sign.


Down The Drain

(Down, down, down, down, down...
Down, down, down...)

The sweetest things in life
Don't stay around for very long.
They come and go and don't come back again.
While they're here, you feel so smug.
That's when fate pulls out the plug,
And the sweetest things in life go down the drain.

What has happened to galoshes?
Down the drain.
Where's the Czar of all the Russias?
Down the drain.
And the five-cent candy bar,
And the good old Edsel car?
(Gone where all the swell things are.)
Down the drain.
(Right down the drain.)
Down the drain.
(Gone down the drain.)

Where are telephone prefixes?
Down the drain.
They've all gone to where Tom Mix is.
Down the drain.
Where's those grand old Gold Dust Twins?
(All those German zeppelins?)
Boys who set up bowling pins?
Down the drain.
(Right down the drain.)
Down the drain.
(Gone down the drain.)

Suppose we made a fuss
About the double decker bus?
Do you suppose they'd bring it back again?
Fountain pens that use real ink,
Coins that don't go clunk, but clink.
The things we love are sinking down the drain.

Where are all those kamikazes?
Down the drain.
And the Hotel Savoy Plaza's
Down the drain.
Where's the New York World's Fair?
Just last year I saw it there!
(In the heart of Flushing.)
Where?
(Flushing.)
Down the drain.
(Right down...)
Flushing down the drain.
(Right down the drain.)
(Flushing down the drain.)


Plan Ahead

Plan ahead!
Plan ahead!
That's what the wise man said.
Success is hard to win, but you can win it
If you do a lot of thinking in advance and make the necessary preparations and don't leave everything to be crowded into the very last minute.

Plan ahead!
In advance.
Don't leave a thing to chance.
And if you want to wind up rich and famous,
Just be careful and meticulous in everything you do and just make sure your work is not slip-shod or sloppy or negligent or else people will go around saying you are an ignoramus.

So...so...
Insist on absolute perfection,
And do all your things perfectly.
If you strive day and night,
In a long time you might
Be almost as perfect as me.
As I.

For the toughest things in life are never easy.
Where's the next part of the music?
Does an...who's got the next part of the music?
(I got it, I got it.)
Oh, oh thanks.

Plan ahead!
Plan ahead!
Do what the wise man said.
Just remember in a thousand years we'll all be dead,
So plan, plan ahead!
Oh the wise man's dead, but before he died he said,
"Plan ahead, plan ahead, plan...ahead!"


Togetherness

(uses tune of "Shine On Harvest Moon" from the Broadway musical "Ziegfeld Follies")

(Ring!)
Huh?
Ooh...
Mmmm...

Brrrr...cold!
Aahhh...hot!
Aaahh...nice.

Yum dum, yum dum dum de da...

(Ring!)
Hello, I'm in the shower,
Call me in an hour.


Spanish Flea

(parody of "Spanish Flea" by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass)

It's good to be a Spanish flea.
The Spanish dogs all scratch at me.
I make my home in a spaniel
Called Jose or Manuel
Or Juan,
And I wouldn't put you on.

My summer place is some great dane,
In Barcelona, northern Spain.
And though it rains in July,
I keep dry way up high
'Cause the rain
Falls mainly in the plain.

Ah, but in the wintertime,
I find a cozy saint bernard.
Up the Spanish Alps we climb,
Complete with anti-freeze,
More brandy, please.

I've got a sweetheart flea, cute kid.
Lives on a beagle near Madrid.
If she can sublet her beagle
I'll make her my legal
First wife,
And we'll live a dog's life.

But if she refuses me,
I'm gonna shout, "Who cares!"
And move somewheres.

Perchance I'll fly to southern France,
Where any flea can find romance.
I'll pack my kit and caboodle
And find me a poodle
And dance
'Scuse me, Rover, which way's France?


My Aunt Minnie

My Aunt Minnie bought a mini-skirt,
A mini-skirt,
A mini-skirt.
She's too skinny for a mini-skirt.
Such a skinny creature
Shouldn't feature such a feature

But my old Aunt Minnie bought a mini-skirt
And all the fellas flirt.
Everybody's wise
To my Aunt Minnie's thighs
In her crazy mini-skirt.

She's thinking young,
She's thinking young.
She's thinking younger than the youngters she's among.
She's really cool, she's hip,
A gas, a trip.
She's the inspiration
For the Pepsi generation.

And she popped up later at a pop art show
A pop art show,
A pop art show.
What's she doin' at a pop art show?
Trading her Utrillo
For a plastic box of Brillo

For a painting of a can of lentil soup
She traded her Van Gogh
Then she took all her pop
And traded it for op
At that crazy pop art show.

She's thinking young,
She's thinking young.
She's thinking younger than the youngters she's among.
She's really cool, she's hip,
A gas, a trip.
She went to a happening
(And didn't know what's happening.)

And then she go-goed at a discotheque,
A discotheque,
A discotheque.
Uncle Morris was a nervous wreck.
Poor old Uncle Morris
Only lasted half a chorus.

But when Minnie go-goed at that discotheque,
The kids picked up her check.
Why they could hardly look
At how Aunt Minnie shook.
First they saw her do
Her wicked boogaloo,
And then they saw her swing
Her shaky shing-a-ling
At that crazy discotheque.


If I Were A Tishman

(parody of "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler On The Roof)

Oh, New York is changing.
Wherever you look,
Big tall buildings by Tishman
Tishman, ahh...

If I were a Tishman,
Yum di diddle didle doody didle diddy didy di
(Yum di didle)
All day long I'd buildy buildy build,
If I were a building man.

I'd build a lot of buildings,
Yum di didle doody deedle didle deedle didle dum
(Yum di didle)
Building buildings anywhere I wish,
If I were a Tishy Tishy Tish.

I'd build the 666 5th Avenue building
Right in the middle of the town,
One block wide and forty-eight stories high.
And I'd have eighteen elevators going up
And twenty-seven more going down,
All of them express to pass you by.
(Di diddle di)

I'd build a ladies room and also a mens room,
Right there on each and every floor,
Each one in a style that is apropos.
And like the restrooms in the best office buildings,
You'd need a key to open up the door,
Though who would steal a bathroom, I dunno!

Oh, if I were a Tishman,
Yum di diddle doidle didle dadle doodle deedle dum
(Yum di didle)
All day long I'd buildy buildy build,
If I were a building man.

I'd build a lot of buildings,
Yum di doodle dadle didle deedle didle dodle dum
(Yum di didle)
I could realize my life's ambish,
Raising rents whenever I would wish,
Telling tenants, "You can call me pish."
If I were a rich Tishman


There's No Governor Like Our New Governor

(based on "There's No Business Like Show Business")

The man I chose to govern me
And twenty million others
Is not from Yale or Harvard,
He's from dear old Warner Brothers.

Yesterday they told him he would not go far,
Today in our state capitol we've stuck a movie star.

There's no governor like our new governor,
He sings, he dances, he acts.
He legislates our cares away,
We stand in line to pay our income tax.

There's no capitol like our state capitol,
It's lit up like Broadway.
And where our state house used to be,
They've got a big marquee that seems to say

He's a star, and he's thrilling,
And he's humble, and he's great!
And his agent said he was willing
To give equal billing to the name of our state.
It's in his contract.

There's no governor like our new governor,
He smiles when we are low.
(The governor of Michigan's a real nice Joe)
But no one's ever seen him on the late late show.
(There's governors all over who have college degrees)
Ah, but have they got their footprints down at Grauman's Chinese?
(There's governors all over in the newsreel pics)
Ah, but were they in "Gold Diggers of 1936"?

(There's no governor like our new governor)
Stupendous, colossal, gee whiz!
And if our state's a turkey and it fades away,
Our new governor's gonna say,
"Movie fans, we're all seceding from the USA!"
Well, that's show biz!


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