Hello Muddah - Nevada Style
(parody of Amilcare Ponchielli's "Dance Of The Hours")
Hello mudduh, hello fadduh.
Here I am with John Ascuaga.
I just work here, he's the boss here.
I'm already operating at a loss here.
All the dealers are nice chaps here,
But the dice are full of craps here.
They're got style here, they've got class here,
And if you're not careful you can lose your chips here.
Hey, thank you very much, you're beautiful.
I am extremely glad to be here tonight.
I would like to sing you a number of thrilling songs which I composed.
Thank you.
Now I know that a lot of performers come out on the stage,
and they say, "I'm extremely glad to be here tonight," and they don't
really sincerely mean it. But I flew into town on Bonanza
Airlines...and I'm extremely glad to BE here.
A Song Written By Elizabeth Taylor
(parody of "The Second Time Around" by Bing Crosby, from the movie "High Time")
There's one song in my act that I do that I did not compose.
It was written for me by Elizabeth Taylor.
This is by Elizabeth Taylor.
Love is lovelier
The seventh time around...
It's just a short song; she doesn't have time to sit and write long songs.
The modern family
Has time to burn.
We all take lessons,
We try to learn.
The latest new thing's
We never do things,
We just take lessons.
My daughter Linda,
She takes ballet.
Her first recital
Was yesterday.
She dropped her tutu
And her left shoe too.
She needs more lessons.
Then there's my daughter Dottie,
She takes guitar, that's true.
Junior, he takes karate.
Smashed her guitar in two.
For all these lessons,
I have to pay.
I must raise money.
I found a way.
Read my brochure folks,
Learn how to be poor folks.
I'm giving lessons.
Our brand new puppy,
His name is spot,
He's being house-trained,
Our rug is shot.
Our very best room
Became his restroom.
What good are lessons?
Tom studies driving,
He took a ride.
He saw two buses
Side by side.
He must have seen them,
He drove between them.
Does anybody wanna buy a long thin Mustang?
My wife takes cooking lessons.
So help me, she flunked poached egg.
I took one skiing lesson.
You're wrong folks - I broke my arm.
I called the doctor
In great despair.
But it was Wednesday,
He's never there.
He's on the links, folks.
His putting stinks, folks.
He's taking lessons.
I wanted to get
Some new girlfriends,
So I went and bought
A Mercedes Benz.
A waste of money!
Eight thousand bucks down the drain.
I thought the girls
Would get wild and reckless,
So I bought cultured pearls
And a diamond necklace.
A waste of money!
That cost me four thousand more.
They were returned,
I got no girls.
They repossessed
Both the car and the pearls.
I styled my hair
Just like Cary Grant's.
Bought a pair
Of those new tight pants.
A waste of money!
Household Finance took my pants.
The female gender,
I just don't get it.
Just when I'm out
Of both cash and credit
I found a honey!
And this is what's funny,
She don't need my money,
She works for Household Finance.
In the early days of the pioneers, hundreds of years ago, when they first came in the covered wagons from the east to the west, they went all the way across and they got to the top of the Santa Monica mountains. And they looked down and they saw the beautiful blue Pacific Ocean, and they saw this vast expanse of green valley in front of them. And then, the assistant chief pioneer turned to the chief pioneer, and he said, "Oh, chief pioneer, what do you think of this beautiful vast expanse of gorgeous green valley?" And the chief pioneer said, "Ve[ry] nice!"
Smog Gets In Your Eyes
(parody of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" by Paul Whiteman & His Orchestra)
They ask me through the years
Why I shed these tears.
I of course replied,
When you live in Van Nuys
Smog gets in your eyes.
I thought I'd play it wise,
So I closed my eyes.
But what do you suppose?
When both my eyes I close,
Smog gets in my nose.
I went to price
An anti-smog device
To put behind my car.
But all too quick,
The smog became so thick,
I could not find my car.
Ten million cars provide
Carbon monoxide.
If they'd all drive a horse,
There'd be no smog, of course,
But there'd be something worse
In your eyes!
Sorry 'Bout That
(parody of ???)
Sorry 'bout that.
All you say is
"Sorry 'bout that."
Yesterday you
Broke my watch and
Drank my scotch and
Used my razor,
Burnt my blazer,
Incidently
Wrecked my Bentley,
Then as I bled, you said,
"Sorry 'bout that."
Sorry 'bout that.
You're the fink who's
Sorry 'bout that.
Just to think you
Kicked my puppy,
Starved my guppie,
Smashed my Ming vase,
Stole my string bass,
Crushed my hat, man,
Turned off Batman,
Then like a snake, you spake,
"Sorry 'bout that."
Try a different melody on your ukulele,
Or you'll soon be sittin' there strummin
"Won't You Please Come Home, Bill Bailey"
Sorry 'bout that.
Pussycat, you're
Sorry 'bout that.
You're the rat who
Trumped my ace and
Scratched my face and
Gave your sister
My transistor,
Tore my vest, friend,
Kissed my best friend,
Then to us both, you quoth,
"Sorry 'bout that."
Fella named Lou
Had this chick, see,
Somethin' like you.
Just for kicks he
Mobbed her, robbed her,
Shishkebabbed her,
Dropped her from a
Helicopter,
Gagged her, bound her,
Buzzards found her.
Baby, that's where it's at.
Sorry 'bout that.
Mononeucleosis
Mononucleosis is the kissing disease.
It's very hard to shake it, but you get it with ease.
So if you're really sweet sixteen and never been kissed,
How come you're on the mononucleosis list?
Mononucleosis
Will make you very sick,
So baby, get your Blue Cross card
And kiss me quick.
Mononucleosis was discovered one day
By a very famous scientist the following way:
He grabbed his lab assistant, and when she gave a lurch,
He whispered, "Cool it, baby, we're just doing research."
Mononucleosis
Will give you quite a scare,
But baby, come and kiss me,
We've got Medicare.
Mononucleosis is contagious, but nice.
Once I knew a fella who contracted it twice.
First he kissed his girlfriend and endangered his life,
And while he was recovering, he kissed his wife.
Yes that's the diagnosis,
It's the kissing disease,
So baby, come as close as
You wish or you please.
'Cause mononucleosis
Will raise your temperature,
So let's continue kissing till they find the cure
Dodgin' The Draft
(parody of "Ballin' The Jack" by Prince's Orchestra)
First you tell your draft board you're hooked on dope.
You don't need the army 'cause you've seen Bob Hope.
Walk around the floor kinda nice and loose.
Tell 'em your fiancee's name is Bruce.
When they ask about your schooling, then you say
That you studied under Cassius Clay.
Then put some lipstick on when you're photographed,
And that's what I call dodging the draft!
Then you show the captain a note from mom,
Stand there while he reads it and suck your thumb.
When he takes your family history, state with pride,
"Benedict Arnold was on my father's side."
He'll hand you an IQ test, just look at it with gloom,
Then fold it like an airplane and sail it 'cross the room.
If they believe you don't know your fore from your aft,
That's what I call...shirking your military responsibility.
Clump around the floor like your feet are flat.
When they ask about your hearing, just say, "How's that?"
If the sergeant wants a cigarette, treat him right,
Set fire to your draft card, and offer him a light.
When you see the eyechart, don't worry at all.
Say, "I'll be glad to read it, just point me at the wall."
And if the draft board acts in the usual way,
You'll be what I call 1-A.
He stood four foot eight
And wore a beatnik beard,
He had big thick glasses
That looked real weird,
He weighed ninety-eight pounds,
But a whole nation feared
The Rebel!
He had a chick named Rhonda,
A college prize.
Her long hair hung down
Over her eyes,
Kinda half Barbra Streisand
And half Joan Baez.
She dug the Rebel!
Well, they met one day
At a pop art bash,
Between a painting of a can
Of succotash
And a high camp sculpture
Of a pile of trash -
It was groovy!
Rhonda dug the Rebel,
And the Rebel dug Rhonda,
So she grabbed her guitar,
And roared off on his Honda
To a discotheque
Called the Anaconda
With the Rebel!
When the frugging was over
At the discotheque,
The Rebel was a-tryin'
To pay his check,
But his pockets they were empty
So he yelled, "Oh, heck!"
"Heck," said the Rebel.
Well, the Dean walked by
Just as that occurred.
He said, "You can get expelled
For what I just heard.
Don't you realize 'heck'
Is a four-letter word,
You Rebel?!"
But the Rebel said
To his old adversary,
"Just as long as that word's
In the slang dictionary,
I swear by Peter,
Paul & Mary,
I'll use it!"
"Furthermore," said the Rebel,
"I won't let the issue pass.
The whole student body's gonna
Sit down en masse.
Besides, that way,
We don't have to go to class.
We're gonna clew it!"
Well, the sit-in started
'Bout 7:15.
The whole thing was covered
by Time Magazine.
They even took Batman
Off the TV screen
To show the Rebel!
Out came the captain
Of the state police,
Arresting lots of students
For disturbing the peace,
Including his own son,
His daughter, and his niece,
And the Rebel.
Someone called the governor
To see what he could do.
The governor said, "Sorry,
But I cannot talk to you.
'Cause I'm a-sittin' in
At the state house too,
Just like the Rebel!"
Soon the secondary schools
Began to rebel.
Kindergarten kids were sitting
During show and tell.
Then the older generation
Started sitting down as well.
Man, what a protest!
Doctors sat, firemen sat,
Teachers wouldn't teach.
People sat at home
And on the street and on the beach.
Just a-sittin' and a-waitin'
For freedom of speech.
Nobody was talkin' to anybody!
The nation was in trouble,
There wasn't any doubt.
The President went on TV
To try to pull us out.
And the President shouted,
"What the heck's it all about?!"
"Heck," said the President!
Soon everyone was saying "heck"
They said it everywhere.
And the Rebel said to Rhonda,
"This is terribly unfair.
Being hip is getting middle class,
Let's you and I be square."
And they did, they squared it up.
Rhonda got a haircut,
The Rebel shaved his beard.
They were married and had children,
Which they subsequently reared.
They moved out to the suburbs
And they really disappeared.
Wow, did they conform!
Folks built a statue of the Rebel,
Just to prove the people's love.
But the public soon forgot it,
Just the pigeons up above
Seem to know the right location.
They've all found that statue of
The Rebel.
Now, I wrote this song for married people. Married people will understand this best. Uh, I realize that tonight there are a lot of people in the audience who are not married, but I figure the line of demarcation has gotten so fuzzy lately that you'll understand it too. Let's hear it for fuzzy demarcation, folks! I said that line in Vegas, and there's a pit boss named Fuzzy Demarcation came running out...
This song is sung by a husband to his wife. They've been married ten or fifteen years, and this song illustrates what can happen in a modern marriage. And I have to pick somebody out to be my wife for this, so I'll pick you. Is that all right? OK.
When I'm In The Mood For Love
(You're In The Mood For Herring) (parody of "I'm In The Mood For Love" by Little Jack Little & His Orchestra)
When I'm in the mood for love,
You're in the mood for herring.
When I'm in the mood for herring,
You're in the mood for love.
Love is a fragile thing,
Delicate and elusive.
Herring is not conducive
When I'm in the mood for love.
Why stop to think of herring?
Let's let our passion flower.
Then, darling, if you're still caring,
You can have herring, in half an hour.
(That's the bitter laughter of married people that you're hearing now.)
Herring can always wait.
Herring does not mind waiting.
Meanwhile, I'm marinating!
I'm in the mood for love!
Mother Nature made me
Strictly second-rate.
Smart but not good-looking,
What an awful fate.
Girls don't go for IQ.
Eggheads ain't their style.
They don't say, "I like you."
They don't even smile.
Well, Mother Nature, I'll get back at you.
Tomorrow morning, here's what I will do:
I'm calling Dr. Max Rose,
That's who I chose.
He's gonna make me
A second-hand nose.
I went to his office once or twice and
All his patients looked like Barbra Streisand.
Then I'll get second-hand hair,
Second-hand teeth,
And contact lenses
In a baby blue.
And elevator shoes, and then I'll melt the girls' hearts.
They can't resist a man with interchangeable parts.
Girls will go nuts,
Parked in my second-hand Stutz.
We'll sit there sniffing glue
On Second Avenue!
Now this is a very tender, poignant song, actually. It's beautiful if you want to know. I figure I better tell you it's beautiful before I start singing it, because once I start you'll have no way of knowing that it's beautiful.
This is a song about a man who walks into a tailor, and tells him a very sad story. And it goes like this:
Sam You Made the Pants Too Long
(parody of "Lord, You Made The Night Too Long" by/from ???)
You made the coat and vest
Should fit me the best.
You sewed the buttons strong.
But Sam, you made the pants too long.
Far from the Bronx I flew,
Around the world to you,
'Cause they said you're the best custom tailor in Hong Kong.
Sam, you made the pants 'bout a foot and a half too long.
First I took a jet,
Then I took a clipper,
Then I took a ricksha to your door.
And now Sam, I regret,
My chin's caught in my zipper,
And my cuffs are down there polishing the floor.
Oh, what a thrill divine,
When I first saw your sign.
It said, "For service, kindly bong the gong."
I bonged, and then mine pants went wrong.
I don't like to complain,
Or cause a demonstration,
But the belt is in my armpits, if you please.
I'm trying to explain,
My pants need alteration.
How do you say "oy vay" in Chinese?
I've been here six long weeks.
My pagoda leaks.
I thought your name was Feldman, but it's Fong!
Sam Fong, you made the pants too long!
If I could play the piano
Like I'd like to play the piano,
I would sit down at the piano,
And I'd play.
That's how I'd play the piano night and day.
If I could play the banjo
Like I'd like to play the banjo,
I'd go out and buy a banjo
And a pick.
I mean I'd play the banjo really slick.
If I could play the bongos,
I'd go get a set of drums.
I'd entertain my chums
And then they'd call me twinkle thumbs.
But I can't play the piano,
Or the banjo, or the bongos,
'Cause when I sit down to play
The people laugh.
So I guess I'll have to play my phonograph.
But my phonograph is broke,
My phonograph is broke,
My phonograph is broke,
I bought it in Hoboken,
They fixed it in Shamokin,
I mean it, I'm not jokin'.
My phonograph is broke,
Let's finish this, I'm chokin'.
I'm chokin' and I'm croakin'.
Hey, stop the music.
Stop the music.
Stop the music!
Stop the music!
The following big finish comes to you from that other great piano player, Van
Cliburn.
Tank you!
But I've gotta sing a song for
The only town I long for...
There is a place I long to go, and I confess,
It's Peyton Place.
They've got a brand new meaning for togetherness
In Peyton Place.
Idano if it's in New York or Pennsylvania,
All I know is it's not too far from nymphomania.
Peyton Place,
I've gotta go there.
No one tells ya "no" there.
Everyone's moral fiber is corroding
Down in Peyton Place.
That's why the population is exploding
Down in Peyton Place.
Nobody knows exactly what his family tree is.
Your father would tell you, but you can't be sure who he is.
In Peyton Place,
U.S.A.
Everyone walks around the square so overjoyed
In Peyton Place.
That's where they put the statue up of Sigmund Freud,
In Peyton Place.
They've got a new library there, but here's the snapper:
Every book in it's covered with a plain brown wrapper.
Peyton Place,
It's hallowed ground there.
People fool around there.
Nobody's got the slightest inhibition
Down in Peyton Place.
Everyone's in a delicate condition
Down in Peyton Place.
Somebody just put up a fancy new motel there,
With a big neon sign that flashes "What the Hell" there.
Peyton Place,
U.S.A.
During the day the folks are busy making friends
In Peyton Place.
When I say making friends, I mean they're making friends
In Peyton Place.
And if you care to know just how their evenings go,
Nobody's every seen the Johnny Carson Show.
In Peyton Place,
U.S.A.
My kind of town!
That's Peyton Place,
U.S.A.!
One more time? Quickly, one more time. Real quick. One more time.
It's the choreography that poops me out.
Everything's up to date and very swanky
Down in Peyton Place.
The principal industry is hanky panky
Down in Peyton Place.
One lady rang my doorbell who was quite enthralling,
Standing there naked saying, "Bong, bong. Avon calling."
Peyton Place,
Where the good life is,
Depending where your wife is.
Come and see what they're making in the old town mill
In Peyton Place.
See the ancestral residence of Fanny Hill
In Peyton Place.
I just moved in there recently, and I'm not braggin',
But you should see what they give you from the Welcome Wagon.
In Peyton Place,
U.S.A.
There is a big investigation underway
In Peyton Place.
They're having trouble cleaning up the P.T.A.
In Peyton Place.
Far be it from me to criticize the youth, but really,
You can fit all the virgins in an Austin-Healy
In Peyton Place,
U.S.A.
My kind of town!
That's Peyton Place,
U.S.A.!