Tom Lehrer lyric variations

For a man with only approximately 40 released songs to his name, Tom Lehrer has had quite a large number of different performances out there. This document is an effort to gather all of the significant lyrical changes that have been evident in these various recordings and publications.

In doing so, it was necessary to chose a base against which to compare the lyrics, and I have chosen the versions of the songs that are currently available on Warner Brothers Compact Disc. The lyrics to those three CD's are available at the Demented Music Database (dmdb.org):

• Tom Lehrer Revisited
• An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer
• That Was The Year That Was
• miscellaneous songs not on the above three albums

Also of possible interest may be:

• Tom Lehrer biography
• Tom Lehrer discography

Now, on with the business at hand...
I have used abbreviations throughout to make the descriptions more concise. Here then are the various sources of alternate lyrics, and their corresponding abbreviations. For brevity, I refer only to American releases here, unless there were none. See the discography for releases in other countries.

For song set #1:
• SB1 - The original 10" (and later 12") Songs By Tom Lehrer on Lehrer Records. This was recorded and released in 1953.
• SB2 - The 1966 re-recording of Songs By Tom Lehrer on Warner/Reprise Records. There are several telling lyrical changes on this album that Tom later regretted making, thus later publications do not feature them.
• REVIS-A - The Australian album Tom Lehrer Discovers Australia (And Vice Versa). Why, you may ask, did you choose REVIS-A to indicate that? Because that album is the equivalent of the Tom Lehrer Revisited album, except that all of the performances are from his spring, 1960 tour of Australia. Before I knew of this album's existence, I had used REVIS-A to indicate the American version of Tom Lehrer Revisited, whose second side features half of the recordings that are on this Australian album.
• REVIS-B - The British version of Tom Lehrer Revisited. This contains the same set of songs as above, but the entire performance was recorded at MIT in Cambridge, MA, in November, 1959. This is the version which is on CD, and against which the others from this set are compared. Half of this performance is on the first side of the American Tom Lehrer Revisited LP.
• FTP - I found an extra verse to "The Irish Ballad" on ftp from ftp.uwp.edu in /pub/music/lyrics/l/lehrer.tom/rickety_tickety_tin. The origin of this extra verse is not given. If anyone knows, please let me know.

For song set #2:
• WASTED - The An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer album, originally on Lehrer Records in 1959, in mono and true stereo. It was re-released on Warner/Reprise in 1966 (following the success of the That Was The Year That Was album, which reached the top 20 on the Billboard album charts) in mono and a fake, echoed stereo. (For an explanation of why they created a fake stereo version rather than using the true stereo mix, see the discography.) This fake stereo mix is also what was originally on CD, but the CD was later remastered to use the true mono mix. The songs in this set are compared against this recording.
• MORE - The More Of Tom Lehrer album, Lehrer Records, 1959. It contains the same set of songs as WASTED, but is a studio recording rather than live, thus you do not get the spoken intros. The performance on this album is almost identical to that on the above album. Since it was recorded shortly after WASTED, this is understandable (as opposed to the three wholly different versions of song set #1, which were recorded 6 to 7 years apart).
• FROST - Tom performed "It Makes A Fellow Proud To Be A Soldier" on the British TV series "The Frost Report" in 1966.

For song set #3:
• TW3 - Performances of his songs on the television show "That Was The Week That Was", which aired on NBC from January 10, 1964, to May 4, 1965. He wrote these songs specifically for the TV show, but did not perform on the show. They were performed by various cast members, often Nancy Ames. Not (unfortunately) having access to the entire set of shows of TW3, I have had to rely on the excerpts that are on a Radiola release entitled That Was "That Was The Week That Was", thus there were more lyrical differences on this show than are noted here.
• TWTYTW - The That Was The Year That Was album, Warner/Reprise, 1966. Tom said that the TW3 people would often cut his best lines from the songs, so he decided to do this record to put the songs back the way they belonged. This is on CD, and is the standard against which songs from this set are compared.

EC - Songs recorded for the PBS television "Electric Company" show.

Things which span more than one set of songs:
• TLSB - The Tom Lehrer Song Book, published in 1954 by Crown and reprinted many times by various companies.
• ORCH - The orchestral recordings of four of Tom's songs. "Poisoning Pigeons In The Park" and "The Masochism Tango" were released together as a single on Capricorn Records in 1960 to promote the More Of/Evening Wasted albums. Also recorded at these sessions, but not released until the 1990s, are orchestral versions of "The Hunting Song" and "We Will All Go Together When We Go".
• CAST - The original cast album of the "Tomfoolery" revue, as released in 1980 in England on MMT Records. For the most part, the introductions on this album were st...er, adapted from Tom's introductions on his records. Differences in the intros are many, but have not been noted here. Only differences in the song lyrics themselves have been noted.
• LIBR - The libretto to "Tomfoolery" as found in the book Tomfoolery: The Words And Music Of Tom Lehrer / Adapted By Cameron Mackintosh And Robin Ray, published by S. French, 1986.
• TMS - Lyrics as published in the book Too Many Songs By Tom Lehrer with not enough drawings by Ronald Searle, Pantheon, 1981. There are a total of six songs on Tom's regular albums that are not included in this book, and those are noted here.
• STYLE - The aforementioned book includes the sheet music to most of the songs, and has a short phrase at the top of each explaining how one is to play it. Typical styles listed on piano music would be "freely", "brightly", "not fast", etc. Tom's are a bit more warped, as you shall see.
• PARK - Tom performed "I Got It From Agnes" on the Michael Parkinson Show on BBC television in 1980

This arrow is used to show that a previous line or lines has been changed on this version to the following line or lines. For example, "I Wanna Go Back To Dixie" (REVIS-B) says:
SB2:

	And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine.
	And the jasmine and the tear gas smell just fine.

This indicates that where REVIS-B uses the line "And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine.", SB2 uses "And the jasmine and the tear gas smell just fine."

And now, without further ado, Tom Lehrer...

song set #1
1. Introduction
2. I Wanna Go Back to Dixie
3. The Wild West Is Where I Want To Be
4. The Old Dope Peddler
5. Fight Fiercely, Harvard
6. Lobachevsky
7. The Irish Ballad
8. The Hunting Song
9. My Home Town
10. When You Are Old and Grey
11. The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz
12. I Hold Your Hand in Mine
13. Be Prepared

song set #2
1. Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
2. Bright College Days
3. A Christmas Carol
4. The Elements
5. Oedipus Rex
6. In Old Mexico
7. Clementine
8. It Makes a Fellow Proud To Be a Soldier
9. She's My Girl
10. The Masochism Tango
11. We Will All Go Together When We Go

song set #3
1. National Brotherhood Week
2. MLF Lullaby
3. George Murphy
4. The Folk Song Army
5. Smut
6. Send the Marines
7. Pollution
8. So Long, Mom (A Song for World War III)
9. Whatever Became of Hubert?
10. New Math
11. Alma
12. Who's Next?
13. Wernher Von Braun
14. The Vatican Rag

miscellaneous
• Silent E
• L-Y
• I Got It From Agnes

	Endowed by nature with perhaps the most glorious baritone voice to be heard on an American stage since the memorable concert debut in 1835 of Millard Fillmore
	Endowed by nature with perhaps the most glorious baritone voice to be heard on any stage since the memorable concert debut in 1906 of Neville Chamberlain.

	He is generally acknowledged to be the dean of living American composers
	He is generally acknowledged to be one of the greatest living American composers

"I Wanna Go Back To Dixie" (REVIS-B)

SB2:

	And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine.
	And the jasmine and the tear gas smell just fine.

	To go home and start a-mixin'
	To go back where there's no mixin'

	I wanna go back to Dixie,
	I wanna be a Dixie pixie
	And eat corn pone till it's comin' outta my ears.
	I wanna start relaxin'
	Down in Birmin'ham or Jackson.
	When we're havin' fun, why, no one interferes.

REVIS-A:
In the intro:

	or -- as they say in New York -- sophisticated.
	or -- as they call that in America -- sophisticated.

	first of all, the southern type song about the wonders of the American south.
	first of all, I thought I'd start off with a really typical American type of song, to get you attuned to my foreign accent. One of the favorite topics for American songwriters is our South, or, as we call it, "Dixie".

Also, the three lines in the song about poll tax are omitted.

TLSB:

	Won'tcha come with me to Alabammy,
	I wanna go back to Alabammy,

Also, the three lines about poll tax are omitted.

CAST:

	Oh, poll tax,
	How I love ya, how I love ya,
	My dear ol' poll tax.
	Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton,
	Old times there were really rotton
	Look away, look away, look away, look a-
	Way down upon the Swanee River, yeah (do-dah, do-dah)
	Mint juleps will destroy your liver.

TMS:
The three lines about poll tax which were changed in CAST are totally omitted here.

"The Wild West Is Where I Want To Be" (REVIS-B)

SB1 & SB2:
On both of these issues, the song is referred to as simply "The Wild West" on the record label, but the jacket gives the full title.

REVIS-A:
The spoken intro here is significantly different from that on REVIS-B, so here is the complete intro.

I should like to insert a small footnote at this point to the effect that I shall be singing these songs in the original American, but I will attempt to explain them briefly in English as I go along. However, some of them may get a bit too American in spots, so that some of you may be on rather a sticky wicket when it comes to these. We had hoped to provide a glossary of terms, but this was found to be economically unfeasible, so if you do find you have some difficulty in understanding, I suggest perhaps the best thing to do would be to drop a note to the American Embassy in Canberra, and I'm sure they'll be delighted to assist you.

Failing that, though, if there is any difficulty in comprehension, I would suggest that you approach this evening's performance in the same spirit as you would, say, a performance of a Wagner opera in German, namely, that the sheer overwhelming beauty of the music precludes the necessity for understanding exactly what's going on. But...

If I may indulge in a bit of personal history at this point, a few years ago I worked for a while for the Atomic Energy Commission, known affectionately as the A.E.C., at the Los Alamos scientific laboratory in New Mexico. I had a job there as a spy. No, I expect you know that the staff out there at that time was composed almost exclusively of spies...of one persuasion or another. And, as some of you may know, New Mexico is in the heart of the gun smoke and wagon train district, although in recent years, the area has been used for testing of somewhat more refined weapons than those used in the old westerns, and nowadays a security clearance is a more valuable thing to have than a shootin' iron.

So to commemorate that delightful metamorphosis, here is a modern cowboy ballad called "The Wild West Is Where I Wanna Be".

"The Old Dope Peddler" (REVIS-B)

REVIS-A:
The spoken intro here is significantly different from that on REVIS-B, so here is the complete intro.

You're probably familiar with songs the old lamplighter and the old dream peddler and the old garbage collector and all these lovable old characters that go around spreading sweetness and light to their respective communities. But, it's always seemed to me that there is one member of this happy band who does an equally fine job, but who has never been properly celebrated in song or story, and this is an attempt to remedy, at least in part, that deplorable situation.

Also, here is the complete outro from the Australian recording: I realize it's very bad form to quote from one's own reviews, but I would like to mention something that the New York Times said about me once which I have always treasured. They said, "Mr. Lehrer's muse is not fettered by such inhibiting factors as...taste." But, enough of former triumphs.

CAST:
The title here is listed as "The Old Dope Pedlar".

"Fight Fiercely, Harvard" (REVIS-B)

SB2:
On this release, the song title is listen without a comma.

REVIS-A:
The spoken intro here is significantly different from that on REVIS-B, so here is the complete intro.

Now we come to a peculiar type of American song known as the football fight song. I'm not going to attempt to explain to you the American game of football. That particular bit of Americana has never been satisfactorily explained to me. But, I will go so far as to say that, although you do have a game here which is roughly comparable to our football, at least in the sense that it is equally pointless, you do not, I believe, have any counterpart to our football fight song. And it is with that aspect of the problem that I propose to deal.

Many years ago during my undergraduacy, there used to be these long, long Saturday afternoons in the autumn, with nothing to do, the library was closed, just waiting around for the cocktail parties to begin. And some of us used to wonder over to the uh, I believe it was called the stadium, to see what might be going on there. And, on occasions like this, one did come to realize that the football fight songs which one hears in comparable American stadia have a tendency to be somewhat uncouth, and even violent, and that it would be refreshing, to say the least, to find one that was a bit more genteel. And here it is, dedicated to my own alma mater, and called "Fight Fiercely, Harvard".

Also, here is the complete outro from the Australian recording:

I mentioned before that there is no direct Australian counterpart to that type of song, and in pointing out these differences between the American and Australian "cultures", I should add that I have been surprised at how similar the American and Australian ways of life are. I hope you won't take offense at that. Some countries do, you know.

But, naturally there are many basic differences. For example, in Boston, Massachusetts, on the outskirts of which I live and which is one of the oldest cities in the United States, it is considered a matter of great pride for one to be able to claim that he is descended from the original settlers. Such, I gather, is not the case here.

But, while I'm on this general subject, I should be frank and say that there are many respects in which you are definitely years behind us. For example, your divorce rate, your juvenile delinquency rate, your mental illness rate are all shockingly low compared to ours, and I do feel that you will have to put your shoulders to the wheel if you intend to catch up to our degree of civilization.

TMS:
Here, the song's title has an exclamation point at the end.

"Lobachevsky" (REVIS-B)

	With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.
	With Ingrid Bergman playing part of hypotenuse.

SB2:

	With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.
	With Doris Day playing part of hypotenuse.

REVIS-A:
In the intro:

	I always like to make explicit the fact that before I went off not too long ago to fight in the trenches, I was a mathematician by profession.
	I always like to make explicit the fact that before my career was cut short in its prime, I was, in fact, an incipient mathematician.

	I could be making, oh, 3000 dollars a year just teaching.
	I could be making, oh, 800 pounds a year just teaching.

In the song:

	With Brigitte Bardot playing part of hypotenuse.
	With Marilyn Monroe playing part of hypotenuse.

TMS:
At the Russian double-talk sections, a footnote is referenced:
**At each of these two junctures one should insert some phrase in Russian (if the audience does not speak Russian) or some Russian double-talk (if it does). The author's own choices varied from performance to performance, ranging from the merely inappropriate to the distinctly obscene.

However, in all four recordings I have heard of Tom doing this, it sounds like he uses the same lines. I had always assumed it was double-talk, but in fact Tom says it is real Russian which he learned form a roommate of his. The line that Izvestia said translates to "I must go where even the Czar goes on foot", which means "I must go to the bathroom."

Also, the lyrics consistently use "Hi!" where I have used "Oy!" in my transcription. It sounds like the latter to me, but perhaps it is really the former with an accent.

Finally, these lyrics use the original line about Ingrid Bergman playing the part of the hypotenuse, as shown above for SB1.

"The Irish Ballad" (REVIS-B)

REVIS-A:
There are a few different wordings in the intro, but none that change the meaning, so I didn't feel that they were significant enough to note here.

CAST:
This song is listed as simply "Irish Ballad" on this record.

FTP:
The following verse is inserted between the "And when at last the police came by" verse and the "My tragic tale I won't prolong" verse. Tom has confirmed that he did NOT write this verse, so its origin is unknown.

And just one thing before I go
Sing rickety tickety tin
And just one thing before I go
There's something I think that you ought to know
They had no proof, so they let her go
And they say that she's tall and thin, and thin
They say that she's tall and thin.

"The Hunting Song" (REVIS-B)

REVIS-A:
The spoken intro here is significantly different from that on REVIS-B, so here is the complete intro.

Although you do go in for hunting in Australia, you do not, I believe, practice the peculiar form of deer hunting in which we engage in the States, which goes roughly as follows:

These "deer hunters" put on bright red hats and go out and attempt to shoot deer. If they succeed in this, they tie them to the sides and the front and the tops of their cars, and drive them home. What they do with them when they get them home I have not been able to ascertain. I suspect that some sort of primitive sacrament is involved.

But, anyway, that's the way it's supposed to work in theory. But actually, during the hunting season, which takes place in the autumn, you see, almost every day, at least one item in the newspapers about somebody who has shot someone else, under the impression, presumably, that he was a deer with a bright red hat, or, possibly, a large flesh-colored squirrel. But, it seems to me that this marks an encouraging new trend in a grand old sport, and deserves a new type of hunting song, which I present herewith.

Note: "which takes place in the autumn" is edited out of the American LP of Tom Lehrer Revisited.

ORCH:
After going through all the words once, the last two stanzas (from "The law was very firm" on) are repeated.

There is a sound effect of a gunshot and a man saying "ugh" as if shot after the "you shoot" line both times around.

"My Home Town" (REVIS-B)

SB1:

	(We're recording tonight, so I'll have to leave this line out.)
	(I guess I'd better leave this line out just to be on the safe side.)

SB2:

	(We're recording tonight, so I'll have to leave this line out.)
	(Shall I? No, I think I better not.)

REVIS-A:
The following spoken bit is included before this song here. It is included before "Fight Fiercely, Harvard" on the American LP of Tom Lehrer Revisited. This might be as good a moment as any to insert a small commercial for some recordings I have made of some of these songs, which are carried by most of the less scrupulous record shops throughout Australia. If your own favorite record dealer does not have them, I suggest you simply...belt him one right in the teeth.

These recordings were designed, actually, for those discriminating few in each community to whom quality is no object. But, there is one difficulty with them, I should be frank with you. They are, unfortunately, unbreakable. However, we have a vast research staff at work on this very problem even now as I address you here, and we hope to make them, in time, if not breakable, at least soluble in water.

So much for the commercial.

The rest of the intro is not significantly different from the one on REVIS-B.

In the song itself:

	The guy that taught us math,
	Who never took a bath,
	The guy that taught us maths,
	Who never did take baths,

	(We're recording tonight, so I'll have to leave this line out.)
	(I think I'll leave this line out, there may be someone here tonight from Adelaide.)

This line got a good deal of applause, causing Tom to have to stall a few seconds before the next verse. The reason this line was such a big deal was that officials in Adelaide felt that Tom's songs were morally corrupting, and they were not going to allow him to perform in their city unless he left certain songs out of his performance. For the full story, see the upcoming biography.

	I remember Sam, he was the village idiot,
	I remember Sam, good old Sam, he was the village idiot,

TLSB:

	(We're recording tonight, so I'll have to leave this line out.)
	(Hum) *
	*A small prize is being offered by the author to the reader who suggests the most imaginative line to be inserted at this point. (The original line is omitted for several reasons.)

TMS:

	(We're recording tonight, so I'll have to leave this line out.)
	(Hum)

LIBR:
Before the verse:

That fellow was no fool
Who taught our Sunday School,
And neither was our kindly Parson Brown --
(Hum)
In my home town.

there is a note stating "The following verse is optional.*", and there is a footnote at the bottom of the page which says "*As is, indeed, the entire show."

About this line which Tom always leaves out: He claims that there never was a line there, and that he figures people can make up their own lines which would be nastier than anything he would've sung. It has been speculated that the line should have something to do with the Sunday School teacher and Parson Brown fooling around. Another proposed line is:
Then came the news of what he used to do with boys
In my home town.

"When You Are Old And Grey" (REVIS-B)

American releases of this song have been spelled "When You Are Old And Gray", while British releases have been spelled "When You Are Old And Grey".

REVIS-A:
The spoken intro here is slightly different from that on REVIS-B, so here is the complete intro.

The most popular type of popular song in any country is, of course, the love song, and I'd like to illustrate several subspecies of this form during the evening. First of all,

[All of the above is replaced with "I'd like to turn again to the love song, and illustrate" on the American LP of Tom Lehrer Revisited.]

the type of love song in which the fellow informs the girl that, although the years ahead will almost certainly destroy every vestige of her already dubious charms, that nonetheless his love for her will shine on forever through the years, you know. Another example of stark realism in the popular song.

This particular example is called "When You Are Old And Gray", and I'd like to dedicate it to anyone in the audience who is still in love with each other.

CAST:
After the "And lose the ability" line, the following part is added:
While enjoying our compatibility,
I am cognisant of its fragility,
And I question the advisability
Of relying on its durability.
You're aware of my inflexibility
And my quintessential volatility
And the total inconceivability
Of my showing genuine humility.
Though your undeniable nubility
May excuse a certain puerility,
Your alleged indispensability
Underestimates my versatility,
And your boyish irresponsibility
And what now is charming juvenility
Will in time lose its adorability
And appear much more like imbecility.

TMS:
This publication also includes the alternate lyrics on CAST and notes:
The alternate version of the interlude was written for the 1980 revue Tomfoolery, in which it was sung by an older man to a younger man.

"The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz" (REVIS-B)

SB2:
The label on this record lists the song as "The Wienerschnitzel Waltz", though the jacket correctly puts a space between Wiener and Schnitzel.

REVIS-A:
The spoken intro here is slightly different from that on REVIS-B, so here is the complete intro.

I'd like to turn again to the love song, and illustrate the...I generally like to include at least one or two love songs in the evening's program, partly, perhaps, to convince people that even at the Harvard University graduate school, that hotbed of celibacy that I used to call home, we, uh, we did have our moments.

Anyway, I'd like to consider the Viennese Waltz variety of love song of the Franz Lehar/Johann Straüs school, conjuring up images of gaily waltzing couples and probably stale champagne drunk from sweaty slippers. This, uh, this illustration is called "The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz".

In the song itself:

	Your lips were like wine (if you'll pardon the simile),
	The music was lovely and quite Rudolf Frimly.
	Your lips were like wine (but your teeth rather yellowish),
	The music was lovely, quite Ivor Novelloish.

The intro on the American LP of Tom Lehrer Revisited, though taken from the same recording as REVIS-B, has been edited together with the intro from "When You Are Old And Grey" on that release, thus:
The most popular type of popular song is of course the love song, and I'd like to illustrate several subspecies of this form during the evening. First of all, we have the Viennese waltz type of the Franz Lehar/Johann Straüs school, conjuring up images of gaily waltzing couples and probably stale champagne drunk from sweaty slippers.

This example is called "The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz".

TMS:
This includes an alternate "British version" of the couplet:

	Your lips were like wine (if you'll pardon the simile),
	The music was lovely and quite Rudolf Frimly.
	Your face was aglow (but your teeth rather yellowish),
	The music was lovely, quite Ivor Novelloish.

LIBR:
This is being sung by a woman, so the following change is made:

	It was I who stepped on your dress, la l-la.
	The skirts all came off, I confess, la l-la.
	Revealing for all of the others to see
	Just what it was that endeared you to me...
	It was you, dear, who stepped on my dress
	The skirts all came off, I confess
	Revealing to all a superlative view
	Of just what it was that endeared me to you.

"I Hold Your Hand In Mine" (REVIS-B)

REVIS-A:
The intro:

One more love song...

This one is a tender little ballad entitled simply "I Hold Your Hand In Mine".

At the end, it includes the same comment as at the end of the song on REVIS-B, though the CD of REVIS-B tracks that as the beginning of "Be Prepared":

You know, of all the songs I have ever sung, that is the one I've had the most requests not to.

"Be Prepared" (REVIS-B)

SB2:

	Keep those reefers hidden where you're sure that they will not be found,
	And be careful not to smoke them when the scoutmaster's around,
	For he only will insist that they be shared, be prepared!
	Keep that pot well-hidden where you're sure that it will not be found,
	And be careful not to turn on when the scoutmaster's around,
	For he only will insist that it be shared, be prepared!

REVIS-A:
The spoken intro here is significantly different from that on REVIS-B, so here is the complete intro.

[in response to the long applause following the previous song]:
Ah, very good.

I've been delighted to find that people in Australia are just as sick as those back home. Good on ya. [This paragraph was edited out of the American LP of Tom Lehrer Revisited.]

This is, actually, particularly rewarding to me because I have always regarded it as part of my mission in life to follow around after Billy Graham, and try and undo some of the work he has done. I see. You can make your decisions backstage after the show.

Well, anyway, I have time for one more here, and this is a little song dedicated to the Boy Scouts. [applause] We seem to have several patrols here tonight. The Boy Scouts, those noble little bastions of democracy, and the R.S.L. [Retired Soldiers' League] of tomorrow.

Their motto is, as you know, "Be Prepared!", and that is the name of the song.

CAST:
This is the opening song of the show, and before they go into the normal lyrics, they sing the following:

Be prepared! To maintain an even keel.
Be prepared! For a harrowing ordeal.
We have several hundred numbers here to do,
And the doors are being locked until we're through.

Be prepared! If you harbor any qualms.
Be prepared! For this foolery of Tom's.
Our theatrical integrity we've totally disgraced,
And we think that you will find it all in questionable taste.
Every possible expense was clearly spared, be prepared!

"Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" (WASTED)

CAST:

	And maybe we'll do
	In a squirrel or two,
	While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
	And maybe we'll do
	In a sparrow or two,
	As we poison the pigeons in the park.

"Bright College Days" (WASTED)

MORE:
In the pause, instead of saying "Ready?", he says "Ooh," as if looking at another's wound.

TMS:
The entire middle section is missing: two stanzas, from "Here's to parties we tossed," to "And we'll pass, and be forgotten with the rest." The reason for leaving this out is that it's to the tune of "The Whiffenpoof Song", and he didn't want to bother with copyright problems.

"A Christmas Carol" (WASTED)

	There's time to rob him all the more
	There's time to cheat him all the more

	Angels we have heard on high,
	Tell us to go out and buy!
	Let jingle bells celebrate,
	From San Francisco's Golden Gate
	To the little town of Bethlehem, PA.

Note: The tune is also modified here. Instead of using "Angels We Have Heard On High" it uses "Jingle Bells" for the first two lines and "O Little Town Of Bethlehem" for the last line. This is the original version, published five years before the recording was released.

STYLE: Merrily

"The Elements" (WASTED)

"Oedipus Rex" (WASTED)

"In Old Mexico" (WASTED)

TMS:
Includes alternate lyrics for the ending:

	Far away from the strikes of the A.F. of L. and C.I.O.
	How I wish I could get back
	To the land of the wetback,
	And forget the Alamo,
	For though try, as I may, I can never repay all that I owe
	To the land of mañana
	And cheap marijuana.
	(It's so easy to grow.)

LIBR:
This uses the alternate ending listed in TMS.

"Clementine" (WASTED)

TMS:
This song does not appear in this songbook.

"It Makes A Fellow Proud To Be A Soldier" (WASTED)

I served two years in the American Army. We were on your side then. And the thing that, uh, the thing that impressed me most about the Army was the way it has carried the democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed, or color, but also on the grounds of ability.

And, uh, I remember our platoon sergeant, who was an unfrocked Marine. (Actually, the change of service had come as quite a blow to him because it meant that he had to memorize a new serial number which took up most of his time.)

He used to give us inspirational thoughts, and even today there are songs designed to inspire pride in uniform.

A man needs someone he can kick, and vice versa too,
And if you like that sort of thing, the Army's made for you.
So no wonder many a young recruit
Finds the customs quaint and the costumes cute.
And girding his remaining loins up, joins up.

Now Al joined up to do his part defending you and me.
He wants to fight and bleed and kill and die for liberty.
With the hell of war he's come to grips,
Sweeping up the filter tips,
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

Now, Peter was the nicest boy his mother'd ever seen.
He never even stabbed a cop 'til he was seventeen.
A flick knife can be fun, you bet,
But it can't compare with a bayonet.
Which makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

After Johnny got through basic training, he
Was a soldier through and through when he was done.
Its effects were so well rooted,
That the next day he saluted
A traffic warden, a postman, and a nun.

Our old mess sergeant's taste buds had been shot off in the war.
But his savory collations add to our esprit de corps.
To think of all the marvelous ways
They're using plastics nowadays.
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

Discipline builds character they say.
So, whenever the general speaks, I obey!
If I'm asked to kill some folks,
I never wait for him to coax,
I'm sure such an important man wouldn't ask me for a favor like that unless he had some perfectly good reason.

Oh yes, it makes a fellow proud to be,
What as a kid I vowed to be,
What luck to be allowed to be a soldier. (At ease!)

TMS:
This song does not appear in this songbook.

"She's My Girl" (WASTED)

"The Masochism Tango" (WASTED)

CAST:

	I can feel the pain yet, love,
	Ev'ry time I hear drums.
	I can never forget, love,
	How this passion was born.

	And I envy the rose
	That you held in your teeth, love,
	With the thorns underneath, love,
	Sticking into your gums.
	How I envied the rose
	That your teeth used to clench, love,
	When I tried something French, love,
	All I got was a thorn.

Also, the hiccup and "'Scuse me!" are missing.

TMS:
This publication also includes the alternate lyrics on CAST.

"We Will All Go Together When We Go" (WASTED)

TW3:
This song was used near the end of the final episode of "That Was The Week That Was". The following lines were omitted:

No more ashes, no more sackcloth,
And an arm band made of black cloth
Will some day nevermore adorn a sleeve.

And we will all go together when we go.
What a comforting fact that is to know.
Universal bereavement,
An inspiring achievement,
Yes, we will all go together when we go.

Oh, we will all burn together when we burn.
There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn.
When it's time for the fallout
And Saint Peter calls us all out,
We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.

ORCH:
The verse with "We will all bake together when we bake" is moved up to replace the one with "All suffused with an incandescent glow".

The following lines are left out:

Down by the old maelstrom,
There'll be a storm before the calm.

You will all go directly to your respective Valhallas.
Go directly, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

CAST:
The "We will all fry together when we fry" verse is omitted.

After the "Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak" line, snippets of other songs from the night are included.

"National Brotherhood Week" (TWTYTW)

CAST:

	Lena Horne and Sheriff Clark are dancing cheek to cheek.
	New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans 'cause it's very chic.

	New Yorkers love the Puerto Ricans 'cause it's very chic.
	Richard Nixon and John Dean are dancing cheek to cheek.

LIBR:
On the "Lena Horne and Sheriff Clark" line, there is a footnote:
*Note: This line may be changed to take advantage of current events. In Boston, for example, it became:
"See Gerry Studds and Jerry Falwell dancing cheek to cheek."

"MLF Lullaby" (TWTYTW)

TMS:
Includes alternate lyrics for:

	So, sleep well, my darling, the sandman can linger.
	We know our buddies won't give us the finger.
	So sleep, baby, sleep, your eyes should be shuttin',
	We know our buddies won't fool with the button.

"George Murphy" (TWTYTW)

TMS:
This song does not appear in this songbook, even though it is part of Tomfoolery, and TMS claims to contain all the songs from Tomfoolery. The reason it was not included in TMS is that it was not originally part of Tomfoolery, but was added later after several people wanted to do it.

LIBR:
The song is included here with this added at the end:

(Tap break.)
(spoken) They said that the role was out of his range,
But you're never too old for a shuffle-ball-change.
(Tap break.)
(spoken) On Capitol Hill or in vaudeville
His name is up there at the top of the bill.
(Tap break.)
[sung again:]
In top hat and tails or even baggy pants
The moviegoers proved that he could count on them
They loved him in November as they did at M-G-M.
Yes, like everyone in Washington he only wants a chance
To give the public
A song and Dance.

"The Folk Song Army" (TWTYTW)

TMS:
Includes alternate lyrics for:

	There are innocuous folk songs, yeah,
	But we regard 'em with scorn.
	The folks who sing 'em have no social conscience,
	Why, they don't even care if Jimmy Crack Corn.
	Hooray for the Folk Song Army,
	We will show you the way.
	'Cause we all hate poverty, war, and injustice,
	And chords that are too hard to play.

"Smut" (TWTYTW)

TMS:
Includes alternate lyrics for:

	But now they're trying to take it all away from us unless
	We take a stand, and hand in hand we fight for freedom of the press.
	I love the Bill of Rights with all the fervor I possess,
	And when I pray, I always say, "Thank God for freedom of the press."

LIBR:
This includes an interesting different intro to thie song:

In this permissive age, when adultery is called "open marriage" and perversions are called "alternate life-styles," when the Golden Rule becomes "Do unto others and with any luck they might do unto you," in an age of jeweled handcuffs and designer whips, it has become increasingly difficult to find anything really dirty to do. (He takes a copy of Playboy or a similar magazine from under the bar.)

There are still taboos, of course, but their nature has changed. For example, when I was in college, there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them, but you can't say "girl."

And people who defend pornography now do so on the basis of civil liberties or freedom of speech, which takes all the fun out of it. I don't want anything "adult," or "mature," or even "off-color." What I want is good old-fashioned salacious (chord), prurient (chord), lubricious (chord), concupiscent. . . .

Also, a slightly different list of obscene things is given:

	Bring on the obscene movies, murals, postcards, neckties, samplers, stained glass windows, tattoos, anything!
	More, more, I'm still not satisfied!
	Phone calls
	Postcards
	T-shirts
	Pastry
	Tattoos
	Stained glass windows
	Anything!
	More, more! (ad lib more examples: "white-wall tires," "neckties," "murals," etc.)
	I'm still not satisfied!

"Send The Marines" (TWTYTW)

LIBR:

	To the shores of Tripoli,
	But not to Mississippoli,
	From the halls of Montezuma,
	To show our sense of huma,

"Pollution" (TWTYTW)

TW3:

	The breakfast garbage that you throw into the Bay
	They drink at lunch in San José.
	The breakfast garbage they throw out upstate,
	You can drink downtown on your luncheon date.

TMS:

	The breakfast garbage that you throw into the Bay
	They drink at lunch in San José.
	Throw out your breakfast garbage, and I've got a hunch
	That the folks downstream will drink it for lunch.

[This is also the line Tom used in a studio recording of this that he did for the Environmental Protection Agency in the late 60's.]

There is also a footnote here:
*Alternative lyrics may be used here to fit the local situation, e.g.,
for New York: The breakfast garbage they throw out in Troy/ They drink at lunch in Perth Amboy.
for San Francisco: The breakfast garbage that you throw into the Bay/ They drink at lunch in San José.

"So Long, Mom (A Song For World War III)" (TWTYTW)

TW3:
Here, it was used as part of a sketch about a television program entitled "That Wonderful War".

Only the last two stanzas were used, and the following slight change was made:

	So send me a salami
	And try to smile somehow
	So send me a salami somehow

"Whatever Became Of Hubert?" (TWTYTW)

"New Math" (TWTYTW)

	From the three you then use one
	To make ten ones...
	From the three you then use one
	To make ten tens...

	From the three, you then use one
	To make eight ones,
	From the three you then use one
	To make eight eights,

"Alma" (TWTYTW)

"Who's Next" (TWTYTW)

TW3:
The following lines were added at the end of the song:

And if someone sets it off on some pretext,
And the human race is gone,
I wonder who's next?

CAST:

	China got the bomb, but have no fears;
	They can't wipe us out for at least five years!
	China got the bomb, but have no fear;
	'Cause they can't wipe us out till at least next year!

	Then Indonesia claimed that they
	Were gonna get one any day.
	Japan will have its own device,
	Transistorized and half the price.

	When Alabama gets the bomb!
	When Ronald Reagan gets the bomb!

TMS:

	Then Indonesia claimed that they
	Were gonna get one any day.
	Japan will have its own device,
	Transistorized and half the price.

"Wernher von Braun" (TWTYTW)

CAST:
This issue capitalizes "Von".

"The Vatican Rag" (TWTYTW)

CAST:
After the "So get down upon your knees" stanza the 2nd time, it adds:

Do whatever steps you want if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Light a votive candle,
Listen and the band'll
Play you the Vatican Rag.

They then repeat "2-4-6-8" three times, followed by "Time to transubstantiate!", and then repeat the "So get down upon your knees" stanza again.

LIBR:
Includes the "votive candle" lines used in CAST.

"Silent E" (EC)

CAST:
The song here is entitled "Silent 'E'".

The first two lines of the second verse are switched with the first two lines of the first verse.

The following verses are inserted before the last verse:

Playtime!
Silent E, silently,
Turns a cap into a cape,
Turns a Jap into a jape,
And last night, it turned a simple rap into a... [singer is slapped] Oof!

I tell you bud, it turns a dud into a dude.
It'll even made crud sound crude.

The following lyric switch is made in the last verse:

	Who can turn a man into a mane?
	Who can turn a van into a vane?
	Once I used to hop, but now I can hope,
	And of course my pop, turned into the Pope.

"L-Y" (EC)

"I Got It From Agnes"

PARK:

	Who picked it up in County Cork
	She picked it up in Ireland