He was short and fat, and rode out of the West
With a Mogen David on his silver vest.
He was mean and nasty right clear through,
Which was kinda weird, 'cause he was yellow too.
They called him Irving.
Big Irving.
Big, short Irving.
Big, short, fat Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
He came from the old Bar Mitzvah spread,
With a 10-gallon yarmulke on his head.* [see below]
He always followed his mother's wishes,
Even on the range he used two sets of dishes.
Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big sissy Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
A hundred and forty-one could draw faster than he,
But Irving was looking for one forty-three.
Walked into Sol's Saloon like a man insane,
And ordered three fingers of two cents plain.
Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big sport Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
[The following lines were edited out of the original release, and are only in
the version available on Dr. Demento's 20th Anniversary Collection.]
One day Bad Max happened into town.
Irving.
His aim was to shoot fat Irving down.
Bad Max said, "Draw, and draw right now!"
And Irving drew, drew a picture of a cow.
Big, fat Irving.
Big gunfighter Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
The James Boys was comin' on a train at first sun,
And the town said, "Irving, we need your gun."
When that train pulled in at the break of dawn,
Irving's gun was there, but Irving was gone.
Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big help, Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
Well, finally Irving got three slugs in the belly.
It was right outside the Frontier Deli.
He was sittin' there twirlin' his gun around,
And butterfingers Irving gunned himself down!
Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big dum-dum Irving.
Big dum-dum dead Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
Really.
* The line about the 10-gallon yarmulke was on the original LP, but the single
version and subsequent LP pressings substituted the line:
Schlepping a salami and pumpernickel bread.
This substitution was made because the record company felt the joke would be
lost on non-Jewish listeners.
The Son Of Irving - Frank Gallop
You remember how Irving got three slugs in the belly?
How it happened outside the Frontier Deli?
How he lived by his gun and died by his gun?
Well, no one knew fat Irving had a son,
Named Seymour.
Tall, slim Seymour.
Tall, slim, excellent-looking Seymour.
Son of the hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
He had steamy eyes and stood six-foot four.
When he walked in the bar, he filled the door.
He had a gun in one hand, and the folks would stare,
'Cause in his other hand, he had a teddy bear.
Seymour.
Tall, sissy Seymour.
Tall, excellent-looking, sissy Seymour.
Son of the hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
Seymour was dressed in boots magenta,
By his mother, Esther, a dance hall yente.
She had one goal, and he never mocked her.
She dreamed he'd marry a lady doctor.
Seymour.
Momma's boy Seymour.
Excellent-looking, big baby Seymour.
Son of the hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
One day Seymour rode into town,
Billy the Kid was waitin' to shoot him down.
Seymour disguised himself in a dress and bustle,
And rode out of town as Lillian Russell.
Seymour.
Side-saddled Seymour.
Tall, really excellent-looking Seymour.
Son of the hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
But then Seymour made Bad Max a dare.
There stood Seymour, one hand on his gun and one on his teddy bear.
But Bad Max shot Seymour down in the high noon sun.
Stupid Seymour had drawn his teddy, and hugged his gun.
Seymour.
Mortally wounded Seymour.
Not so excellent-looking Seymour.
Dead, dum-dum Seymour.
Truly, the son of the hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
Really.