Tadpoles - The Bonzo Dog Band

Transcribed by Gwyneth [Princess WhiteGoat] Kozbial, June 1995 revised by Annie Sattler, June 1995

1. Hunting Tigers Out In 'INDIAH'
2. Shirt
3. Tubas In The Moonlight
4. Dr. Jazz
5. Monster Mash
6. I'm The Urban Spaceman

1. Ali Baba's Camel
2. Laughing Blues
3. By A Waterfall
4. Mr. Apollo
5. Canyons Of Your Mind

With big, hungry tigers, table manners have no place.
(deardeardear, no, deardeardear, no, deardear, ohdear, no.)
After they have eaten you, they never say their grace.
(deardeardear, no, deardeardear, no, deardear, ohdear, no.)

Hunting tigers can be ripping fun.
Like three blind mice, see the hunters run.

Hunting tigers out in 'INDIAH.'
Out in, out in, out in 'INDIAH.' (Yah!)

You all know how beastly tigers are
Out in, out in, out in 'Indiah.'

They bite. They scratch.
They make an awful fuss.
It's no use stroking them and saying, 'puss puss puss,'
Oh, Hunting tigers out in 'INDIAH.'
Out in, out in, out in 'INDIAH.' (Yah.)

[interlude]

They bite. They scratch.
They make an awful fuss.
It's no use stroking them and saying, 'puss puss puss,'
Oh, Hunting tigers out in 'INDIAH.'
Out in, out in, out in 'INDIAH.' (Yah!)

I say, Jer, it's jolly frightening out here...
Nonsense, dear boy, you should be like me!
But look at you, you're shaking all over!
Shaking, you silly goose, I'm just doing the Watusi, that's all...

Tigers don't go out on rainy nights.
They've no need to whet their appetites.

Hunting tigers out in 'INDIAH.'
Out in, out in, out in 'INDIAH.' (YAH.)

How many tigers can you find with forks and serviettes?
(deardeardear, no, deardeardear, no, deardear, ohdear, no.)
Don't care in what part of you they fix their fretwork sets.
(deardeardear, no, deardeardear, no, deardear, ohdear, no.)

Hunting tigers can be ripping fun.
Like three blind mice, see the hunters run!
Hunting tigers out in 'INDIAH.'
Out in, out in, out in 'INDIAH.' (Ja!)
Hunting tigers out in 'INDIAH.'
Out in, out in, out in 'INDIAH.' YAH!

"Shirt"

(munching sound)

Hello. Well, that was the sound of Roger's Wah-wah rabbits. You heard them eating endives, there. That's very cheap at this time of the year. But now, here in Wilsdon Green, yes, *brrr*, it is a bit chilly, but, no matter, because here comes a gentleman, and we're going to talk to him about shirts.

-Excuse me, sir, would you mind talking to us about shirts?
-Hey, what?
-About shirts.
-Shirts?
-Yes.
-I've got plenty at home.
-*heh* ...good grief...

...and here comes a lady with an enchanting... little... kangaroo. ...and I'm going to ask her something about shirts.
No I'm not... because she's giving me a rather a vulgar sign.. uh... would you... 'scuse me... would you mind... we're talking about shirts.

-eh?
-about shirts.
-shirts?
-yes. The problem of shirts. The kind of... y'know... are they necessary? Shirts.
-Where it is.
-Yes... where it is. Where is shirts?
-I don'know.
-You don't know?

umm... oh dear... ah... There's a gentleman marching down here with a really determined stride. He looks a little cautious. He's... hopping. 'Scuse me, sir, would you mind talking to me for a moment at all?

-Well, whatd'ya mean, guvnor, what d'y'wanta know?
-Well, we're talking about shirts. About, are they still necessary, d'you think, I mean, do you think they should stop making shirts?
-Oh no. Not at all. A man's not dr, not dressed unless he's got a nice on guv'nor, is he?
-Not really. What about the length of the shirt, 'cos the old ones used to be rather long...
-Well, I'm all for the short shirt. The old types old fashioned make, them, be a bit modern these days, guv'nor, ain't they?
-Yes. Ok. Well, you're certainly with it, aren't you?
-Well, they are. You gotta be with it. Course.
-'sall.
-yes.
-right. OK, well, thank you very much indeed.
-bye bye.
-byebye.

Well, I think we're gonna have to leave it there, and I'm gonna take you right away, straight over to the Earls Court Olympia to watch the Shirt Event. I'll repeat that, the Shirt Event. I'll repeat that, the Shirt Event. I'll repeat that, the Shirt Event.

[song]
Oo-oo. La laa la la la la-ah, la laa la la la la-a...
(fades to back, as dialogue starts:)

-Good morning, could I have this shirt cleaned express, please?
-Yes, that'll be three weeks, dearie.
-Three weeks?! But the sign outside says '59 minute cleaners!'
-Yes, that's just the name of the shop, luv. We take three weeks.
-Just the name of the shop?
-Yes. That is, if there's an 'R' in the month, of course, otherwise it's 4 weeks.
-OH!
-Your name does begin with a 'P,' doesn't it?
-Well, no, actually...
-Well, that'll be 5 weeks, then... except it's a leap year, which will take a little bit longer... and then, you'll never even get your shirt...
-Five Weeks! BLIMEY!

[singing commences]

Shirt. Shirt. Shirt. Shakin' the shirt.
Shirt. Shirt. Shirt. Shakin' the shirt.

Well, I'm shakin' my shirt all over the place,
But it's been thrown off, back in my face.
[kazoo]

Shirt. Shirt. Shirt. Shakin' the shirt.

New horizons in sound now, as Roger plays a solo on the electric shirt-collar...
[solo, with assorted arduous panting and groaning]

Shirt. Shirt. Shirt. Shakin' the shirt.

Shir..T. Shir..T. Shakin' the shirt.
Oooooo...

"Tubas in the Moonlight"

Through the twilight, I can hear the humming of a melancholy coon. (mm-mm)
Of the memories that still linger, I thank you mister Moon.
And, although I've never smiled,
Winter, summer, autumn too,
Now here's one tune to remind me why I feel so blue-oo...

Tubas in the moonlight, playing for me all night,
Tell me what I want to hear.
Am I only dreaming?
Am I only scheming?
Stars above me, shining brightly.
Why can't she be sitting here beside me?
Tubas in the moonlight will bring my loved one home.

[instrumental verses]

Tubas in the moonlight will bring my loved one home.

"Dr. Jazz"

[Instrumental]

"Monster Mash"

I was workin' in my lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight.
My monster from the slab began to rise,
When suddenly, to my surprise,

He did the mash.
He did the monster mash.
The monster mash.
It was a graveyard smash.
It was a smash.
It caught on in a flash.
The monster mash.
He did the monster mash.

From the Hall of Gore in the Castle East,
To the master bedroom, where the vampires feast,
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes.

CHORUS

(and a shoop-da-doo)
The Zombies were having fun.
(and a shoop-da-doo)
The party had just begun.
(and a shoop-da-doo)
The guests included Wolfman, Dracula, and his son.

The Brain Surgeons were all digging the sound.
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds.
The Poodle Stabbers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, The Crypt-Kicker Five.

CHORUS

Come in, Boris. We always have a guest for breakfast. (laugh)
Come in, Horis. We always have a breast for geckfast. (laugh)
Igor, have you watered the brains today, Igor? Igor?
[maniacal laughter segues into...]

"I'm The Urban Spaceman"

I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby, I've got speed.
I've got everything I need.
I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby, I can fly.
I'm a supersonic guy.

I don't need pleasure. I don't feel pain.
If you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again.
I'm the Urban Spaceman, babe,
And I'm makin' out.
I'm all about.

I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face.
My natural exuberance spills out all over the place.

I'm the Urban Spaceman. I'm intelligent and clean.
Know what I mean...
I'm the Urban Spaceman. As a lover, second to none.
It's a lot of fun.

I never let my friends down. I'm never made a boob.
I'm a glossy magazine. An advert in the tube.
I'm the Urban Spaceman, babe,
But here comes the twist: I don't exist.

"Ali Baba's Camel"

You've heard of Ali Baba. Forty thieves had he.
Out for what we all want. Lots of LSD.
He also had a camel. Stole it from a zoo.
How he loved the camel, and the camel loved him too.
Oh, how the how the camel loved Ali Ba(r)Ba(r)!

Ali Baba's camel loved Ali Baba so,
No matter where he went to, that camel had to go.
Some say that he's in heaven, but this I know is true.
Wherever you think Ali has gone, his camel's gone there too.

(oh, buddy cam-ee)

Crossing the equator, oooo, how hot it was.
Poor old Ali Baba cursed and swore, because
He was so very thirsty, and everybody knows
It's horrible to walk for miles with sand between your toes.
Oh, how the camel loved Ali Baba... brrrrr!

Ali Baba's camel turned 'round and licked his hand.
He said, "Oh, Ali Baba, I surely understand."
"We must find an oasis and get a drink somehow."
"But, hark! I hear the temple bells! They'll all be open now."

[wretching noises]

They entered for the races at the desert sports.
There goes Ali's camel in his filthy cotton shorts.
The starter cracked his pistol off the camel's head.
Ali Baba's camel wins by half a camel's hair.
Hey Ali Baba (repeat), your camel loves you (repeat)!

Ali Baba's camel had run for miles and miles.
His tail was pointing backwards. That's how a camel smiles.
But Ali and his camel, they both were out of breath.
They'd run so far, they laughed so much,
They laughed themselves to death.

[mourning sounds]

Oh! Gather 'round the campfire! Sing a rondelet!
But don't sing out of tune, now. (???) Today!
Sing of Ali Baba. Sing about his men.
Sing about his camel, and then sing it all again.
Oh, how the camel loved Ali Baba.

Ali Baba's camel loved Ali Baba so.
No matter where he went to, that camel had to go.
Some say that he's in heaven, but this I know as well.
Wherever you think Ali has gone, his camel's gone to --

(hey, give us a tune there, jon! Yahoo!)

[segue into:]

"Laughing Blues"

[Instrumental]

"By A Waterfall"

By a waterfall, I'm calling you-o-o-o.
We can share it all beneath a ceiling of blue.
We'll spend a heavenly day
Here where the whispering waters play.

There's a whippoorwhill. He's calling you-o-o-o.
By a waterfall, he's dreaming too.**
There's a magic melody
Mother nature sings to me
Beside a waterfall with you.

Altogether, now.
[REPEAT until **]

A magic melody mother nature sings to meee
Beside a waterfall with you.
With you.
(Only You.)
Thinking only of you.
[whistle]
Wanting only to be with you.
Needing desperately to be with you.

"Mr. Apollo"

I have seen Mr. Apollo uproot trees with his bare hands.
I have seen Mr. Apollo's body-building plan.
He's the strongest man the world has ever seen.
And if you take his courses, he'll make you big and rough.
And-- and you can beat up bullies until they cry:
"oh lor'! Oh, crikey let go, you rotter. Don't punish me!"

And you're tough. (You're very fit.)
Your voice is gruff. (It sounds like grit.)
You are so strong (and proud of it)
Thanks to Mr. Apollo.
Follow Mr. Apollo.
Everybody knows he's the greatest benefactor of mankind.
Follow Mr. Apollo.
Everybody knows that a healthy body makes a healthy mind.

You know:
He's the strongest man the world has ever seen.
And if you take his courses, he'll make you big and rough.
And-- you can kick the sand right back in their faces. Kick! (laugh)

CHORUS

[CHORUS IN BACKGROUND]
Yes. Just give me ten years of your life, and I'll trade in that puny flab for living muscle. The physique you deserve! Strong. Chesty shoulders to hold your shirt up. (He can do it for you.) Five years ago, I was a four-stone apology. Today, I am two separate gorillas. No tiresome excercises. No tricks. No unpleasant bending. Wrestle poodles and win! Play beachball! Shave your legs. (Yes, he can do it for you.) Knock over walls. Tease people! Brush them aside as though they were matchsticks. Impress your friends.

"Canyons of Your Mind"

In the canyons of your mind,
I will wander through your brain.
To the ventricles of your heart, my dear.
I'm in love with you again.

'Cross the mountains of your chest (babababa),
I will sticker union jack.
To the forest of your cheek... oh...
Through the holes in your string vest!

[Orgasm Interlude]

My darling, in my cardboard-coloured dreams (cardboard-coloured dreams), once again, I heard your laugh. And I kiss, yes, I kiss your perfumed hair. (But she's not there.) The sweet essence of Giraffe. (Of Giraffe.) And each time I hear your name, (Frying pan, frying pan) Oh, oh, my, my, how it hurts! (He's in pain) In the wardrobe of my soul... (oh, my soul) In the section labeled "shirts."

[Another Orgasm Interlude]