Transcribed by J. Alan Septimus
A couple was once seated in a little motor car,
They were sweethearts and they didn't care who knew
They were holding hands together as the motor loudly roared
And the price of gas went up to sixty-two
He was an automobile mechanic working staedy thoughout the year
And in terms of his profession, he whispered in her ear...
Will you love me when my carburetor's busted,
Will you love me when I cannot shift my gears?
When my spark plug is as dead as Kelsey's doorknob,
And my clutch begins to slip, will you shed tears?
Will you love me when my old exhaust gets noisy,
Will you love me when my pump is on the blink?
By heck,
When my fender has a dent,
And my piston-rod is bent,
Will you love me when my flivver is a wreck?
Will you love me when my fuel pipe is empty,
Will you love me when my rear end's worn and torn,
Will you love me when my rim-rod's old and rusty,
Will you love me when I cannot blow my horn?
Will you love me when my inner tube is busted,
Will you love me when my tank begins to leak?
By heck,
When the junkman says, "No use",
And my nuts and bolts are loose,
Will you love me when my flivver is a wreck?
Everyone is out to get my Fanny
Everybody wants to see my Fanny
Everybody likes to hold my Fanny
But she loves no one but me.
Everybody wants to seize my Fanny
Everybody likes to squeeze my Fanny
They'd do everything to please my Fanny
Still she loves no one but me.
Oh don't touch my Fanny, please don't ever try
My little Fanny is reserved for just one guy
That's why...
I never let another love-light blind me
Everywhere I go you'll always find me
With my little Fanny right behind me
'Cause she's so in love with me.
(instrumental break)
Everyone who ever spied my Fanny
Tried to hang around beside my Fanny
Maybe I should go and hide my Fanny
Or she'll find somebody new
I've seen lots of Fannies in my time
And frequently their cheeks were close to mine
But never have I held one so divine
As the Fanny that belongs to me.
We will be married, someday next June
And when we go away to spend our honeymoon,
I know that...
Everyone is gonna miss my Fanny
No one ever could resist my Fanny
But they wouldn't dare to kiss my Fanny
'Cause she's so in love
With me!
Oh listen to my story boys, I need your sympathy,
The tattooed lady in the circus fell in love with me
And to prove her love is sweet like sugar cane toddy
She had my picture tattooed on her body...
She has the landing of the Pilgrims on her shoulder,
And on her back she has a sunset and the West,
And beside her dimpled knees
She has two great big apple trees,
And the Pyramids look real upon her chest :-)
When she decided that she'd like to add my picture,
She simply could not find a vacant spot you see,
So she tattooed my poor face
In the most peculiar place,
Now whenever she sits down, she sits on me!
She has a small gardenia tattooed on her elbow,
And on her hip she has a lovely Queen of May,
And underneath her shapely spine,
If you look close O pal of mine
You'll see the Mississippi River all the way.
She has a rusty hinge that's tattooed on her kneecap
It looks so real it squeaks each time she bends her knee,
But she filled me with disgrace
When she added my poor face,
For whenever she sits down she sits on me.
Now do you wonder why I look so sad and worried,
And do you wonder why my head is bending low?
Sometimes I'd like to take a chance
And give her a swift kick in the pants
But if I do I'd only kick myself I know.
The only time that anyone can see my picture,
Is when the tattooed lady takes a bath, oh gee,
I get black and blue of course
Every time she rides a horse...ouch...
'Cause whenever she sits down she sits on me!
Note: of all Benny's songs, this is the one which I could most imagine Tom Lehrer singing- same piano style, delivery, etc.
We went strolling through the park
Goosing statues in the dark
If Sherman's horse can take it why can't you?
Buffalo Bill, alas alack,
We pinched his nose and scratched his back
If Buffalo Bill can take it why can't you?
When we fooled with Atlas, covered him with a mattress,
Hung a tie on Caesar's fly, oh boy what fun
And on Greeley's daughter we put a bucket of water,
One good turn deserves another, that is why...
We strolled again into the park
And goosed the statues in the dark
If Robin Hood can take it why can't you?
Sitting Bull he didn't grin
When I hung whiskers on his chin
If Sitting Bull can take it why can't you?
Then we fooled with Atlas, covered him with a mattress,
Hung a tie on Caesar's fly, oh boy what fun
And on Greeley's daughter we put a bucket of water,
One good turn deserves another, that is why...
We'll stroll again into the park
And goose the statues in the dark
If Joan of Arc can take it why can't you?
Buffalo Bill next time I pass
I'll stick my finger in his eye :-)
If Buffalo Bill can take it why can't you?
Note: I listened to this one in headphones, and I'm halfway convinced that he wasn't saying "ship" at all, but something somewhat ruder...
Every time we take a trip you always get my goat
I like trains and buses but you like a ferry boat.
Well the next time we go traveling, ships are out and I declare
You go your way, I'll go mine and I'll meet you over there
You take a ship for yourself
I'll take a train by myself
If you can't fly in planes or ride in buses or in trains
Then go take a ship for yourself.
Take a battleship, an excursion ship, or a fishing ship 'll do
And if you can't take a big ship, then take a small canoe
Bon voyage to you my friend
I'll meet you at the journey's end
If you like briny seas, the rolling waves, an ocean breeze,
Then go take a ship for yourself.
Sailing, sailing, over the bounding main
Maybe that gives you pleasure but it gives me an awful pain
Sailing, sailing, isn't it lovely weather
Perhaps I'll change my mind and we'll go take a ship together!
Take a battleship (etc)
Bon voyage (etc).
The boy was on his way to war, of course he felt quite blue
His sweetheart and his dearest friend were there to say adieu
"I leave her in your trusted care", said he to good old Jack
"Please be a pal to my dear gal 'till the day when I come back
And now I'll kiss my lovin' baby, goodbye on her lips
And I'll leave her behind to you
So while I'm far away try to see her every day
Exactly as I used to do,
|: I hope you'll always watch and guide her, until I return,
And be sure that she's never, ever blue,
Gosh it almost makes me cry
To kiss her lips goodbye
And leave her behind, to you." :|
The ** are supposed to represent handclaps... I can't imagine anyone over the age of 3 being amused by this one, but I include it for the sake of completeness (it is, after all, on the album...)
She went wading in the water and she got her feet wet
Wading in the water and she got her toes wet
She went wading in the water and she got her ankles wet
But she didn't get her ** ** wet! Yet!
She went a little deeper and she got her legs wet
She went a little deeper and she got her calves wet
She went a little deeper and she got her knees wet
But she didn't get her ** ** wet! Yet!
Wading in the water, (repeat x3)
But she didn't get her ** ** wet! Yet!
She went wading in the water and she got her hands wet
Wading in the water and she got her wrists wet
She went wading in the water and she got her hips wet
But she didn't get her ** ** wet! Yet!
She went a little deeper and she got her elbows wet
She went a little deeper and she got her shoulders wet
She went a little deeper and she got her neck wet
But she didn't get her ** ** wet! Yet!
Wading in the water, (repeat x3)
And she finally got her face all wet!
Note: The songwriting credit says "Benny Bell, Madison Music, BMI"
but the question mark is there because Larry Vincent did a lot of the
same things in Chicago, and I'm not sure who did them first...
Note from Jeff: According to Dr. Demento, Larry Vincent originated the "I
Used To Work In Chicago" song. Many people have covered it and added or
changed verses (much like "Shaving Cream"). Since most of Benny's verses are
different from Larry's, I think Benny can take some credit here, but it seems
that Larry should get some as well.
I used to work in Toledo, in a department store,
I used to work in Toledo, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for candy, we sold it in that store,
Kisses she wanted, kiss her I did,
That's why I'm not there anymore.
I used to work in New Haven, in a department store,
I used to work in New Haven, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in with a can for gas, we sold it in that store,
I whispered "Ma'am you've got some can!"
That's why I'm not there anymore.
I used to work in Milwaukee, in a department store,
I used to work in Milwaukee, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in to our butcher shop, we had one in the store,
A goose she wanted, a goose she got
That's why I'm not there anymore.
I used to work in Waukegan,in a department store,
I used to work in Waukegan, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for a pinch of salt, we had some in the store,
A pinch she wanted, a pinch she got
That's why I'm not there anymore.
I used to work in New Jersey, in a department store,
I used to work in New Jersey, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for a felt hat, we had them in the store,
Felt she wanted, felt she got
That's why I'm not there anymore.
I used to work in Manhattan, in a department store,
I used to work in Manhattan, I did but I don't anymore.
A lady came in for golf balls, we sold them in the store,
Balls she wanted, (slide whistle up)
That's why I'm not there anymore.
I used to worry when Thanksgiving day was near,
What can I give my girl to fill her heart with cheer
But I solved that problem, I'm a clever boy,
I know exactly how to fill her heart with joy...
I'm gonna give my girl a goose for Thanksgiving
It won't surprise her since I did it once before,
She jumps just like the Deuce
Every time she gets a goose
Perhaps I ought to give her two or more
I wish I could afford to buy her a turkey,
But turkeys cost so much and I'm out of work you see,
So I'll just give my girl a goose,
A good old-fashioned goose,
I wish someone would do the same for me.
I'm gonna give my girl a goose for Thanksgiving
My friends all tell me that the plan is very smart,
In fact her Daddy said to me
Very confidentially,
That's just the way he won her mama's heart.
So if you want to make your darling feel happy
Then take a tip from me and do the same thing too,
Go on and give your girl a goose
A nice soft tender goose
And you'll discover if her love is true.
I don't mean gander,
A good old-fashioned goose will do.
O listen to my story, it's very sad and true
It makes me so unhappy, it'll break your heart in two.
I found it out this morning, it kept me up all night
But now I know the secret, and I'll bet you that I'm right.
chorus: There ain't no Santa Claus
No, there ain't no Santa Claus
Take a tip from me, it's a fantasy,
'Cause there ain't no Santa Claus.
A Scotchman likes his money, a Frenchman likes his wine
A Dutchman likes his lager beer, and he drinks it all the time.
A bulldog likes his master, a coward likes his life
My neighbor likes his iceman, and the iceman loves his wife.
chorus
I went down to the racetrack, to follow up a tip
I wagered all my money, and boy he was a pip
You ought to see him flying, he'd surely win that day
The only thing that made him lose was he ran the other way.
chorus
A man was tired of living, the world seemed out of rhyme
So he went to his medicine chest, to drink some iodine
By some mistake he drank down plain castor oil you see
So when he woke up the following day.... bllblblbllblpt.
chorus
(Note: this one was also released in Yiddish, on Bell Novelty 332; eventually I'll translate and transcribe that one as well)
I was a disgusted millionaire
With no-one to call me sweet honey
I wanted a girl, a cute little pearl
Who knows how to spend lots of money.
I made up my mind, I simply must find
A neat little, sweet little cutie
So I hopped on a train, and headed for Spain
To look for a prize winning beauty.
While riding along, and singing a song
I heard someone holler "Hey phony"
So I turned around and that's how I found
My red-headed, fat-head baloney.
I gazed in her eyes, and to my surprise
She told me she loved me sincerely
So I threw her a kiss, and whispered like this
"I'd love to believe you my dearie."
We hopped off the train, and strolled down the lane
I married her quickly that morning
But when we got home, I fell on my dome
When she started stretching and yawning.
She opened her mouth, her false teeth fell out
And one eye was made out of crystal
Her right leg was good but her left leg was wood
I started to look for a pistol.
She eats like a horse, her manners are worse
I'd rather have married a donkey
She sleeps on a chair, she snores like a bear
And calls me her cute little monkey.
So I'm a disgusted millionaire
By golly, by gosh and begorrah
I'd give every cent, to some noble gent
Who'd bump off my lovely señora.
I know many many old time songs
I know many more than you
I'm going to sing some of these old time songs
See if you can recognise a few
Did you ever hear a song about an olive, no?
Would you like to hear a song about an olive
Olive a lassie, a funny funny lassie
Did you ever hear a song about the dishes, no?
Would you like to hear a song about the dishes
Dishes the way we wash our clothes, early Monday morning
I love to sing the songs of long ago
They haunt my mem-o-ry
Did you ever hear a song about a rummy, no?
Would you like to hear a song about a rummy
Ca-rummy back to old Virginny
Did you ever hear that song
Did you ever hear the song about the three tramps
(Hit the road)
Would you like to hear a song about the three tramps
Tramp tramp tramp, the boys are marching
Did you ever hear a song about a freezer, brrr
Would you like to hear a song about a freezer
Freezer jolly good fellow, freezer jolly good fellow
I love to sing the songs of yesteryear
They thrill me through and through
Did you ever hear a song about an old lady, no?
Would you like to hear a song about an old lady
(yodels) O lee old lady,. old lady, old lady
Did you ever hear that song
(Reminds me a bit of the old country song "Suspicion")
Paul Wynn:
Dopey John came home one night as drunk as he could be
And he saw a hat upon the rack where his hat ought to be
Benny Bell:
Hey wifey dear, come over here and explain this thing to me
Whose hat is that upon the rack where my hat ought to be
Unidentified female:
Why ya dirty bum, ya drunken bum, you're blind and cannot see
That is a frying pan my mama sent to me
BB:
Yeah?
Well I've traveled near, I've traveled far, a thousand miles or more
But a frying pan,
With a lining on the inside and a little red feather on the outside with a pair of earlaps,
I never saw before.
PW:
Dopey John came home one night as drunk as he could be
And he saw a shoe lay on the floor where his shoe ought to be
BB:
Hey wifey dear, come over here and tell me what I see
Whose shoe is that upon the floor where my shoe oughtta be?
UF:
Why ya dirty bum, ya drunken bum, you're blind and cannot see
That is a cuspidor my mama sent to me
BB:
Yeah?
Well I've traveled near, I've traveled far, a thousand miles or more
But a cuspidor,
With a rubber heel on the bottom and a silk shoelace on top with a fancy pair of spats on the si-i-ide
I never saw before.
PW:
Dopey John came home one night as cockeyed as could be
And he saw a coat lay on the chair where his coat ought to be
BB:
Hey wifey dear, come over here, explain this thing to me
Whose coat is that upon the chair where my coat ought to be?
UF:
Why ya dirty bum, ya drunken bum, you're blind and cannot see
That is a bathing suit my mama sent to me
BB:
Yeah?
I traveled near, I traveled far, a thousand miles or more
But a bathing suit,
With a fancy vest with little pearl buttons with a watch and chain in the left side pocket and a pack of cigarettes in the right side pocket
I never saw before.
PW:
Dopey John came home one night as drunk as he could be
And he saw a head lay on the couch where his head ought to be
BB:
Hey wifey dear, come over here, and tell me what I see
Is that a head upon the couch where my head ought to be?
UF:
Why ya dirty bum, ya drunken bum, you're blind and cannot see
That is a cabbage head my mama sent to me
BB:
Yeah?
Well I've traveled near, I've traveled far, a thousand miles or more
But a cabbage head
With a moustache wearing a small toupee with a pair of eyeglasses and a double chin
I never saw before.
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
Du bist durch azoy taire
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
Mir shpreng far dir in fire
Oif de velt
Tzu zain is a mechaye
Ven der pockets zehnen fil mit Gelt, Gelt, Gelt.
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
Es macht dos leben glicklach
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
In dollars, dimes or nick'lach
Mir gefehlt
At least ah million shticklach
Alles is hotsy totsy ven m'hat Gelt, Gelt, Gelt.
Ihr hehrt, menchelach? Reden di fun gelt, ich manig zich fun a tzeit ven ich hab es nisht gehat. As a matter of fact, ich hob es noch nisht... oy, far yeder tzenner'l vos es fehlt mir tzu ah million dollars, azoy fil yoren zullen H*tler brennen in Gehennom! But vat I vas trying to say is this: A pur yohr c'rick, ven is nit gevehn kein Benny Bell Phonograph Records, hob ich gemist arbeit'n tzu mach a leben, nisht heint gedacht. Vell, mein ersht'n job is geveiz'n in a botton factory und ich hab aheim genimmen samples. A couple buttons today, a couple buttons tomorra, und men hut mir nisht geshtehrt. Mein tzveiten job is geveizn in a toot'pick factory, und ich hob oichet aheim genimmen samples. A couple toot'picks today, a couple toot'picks tomorra, und men hob mir oichet nisht geshtehrt. Ober ven ich hob gekriegen a job in der bank und aheim genimmen samples... a couple dollars today an' a couple dollars tomorra... uh-huh! Dan hut mir kein tzuris nit gefehlt. The moral from dat story is: Afilu m'iz reich, oder afilu m'iz orum, it is zeyer gut tzu haben a sach gelt! Believe you me.
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
Ohne dem is zeyer a veytig
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
Groys naches kumt um greytig
Zein gezint
Is oychet zeyer neytig
Dos gezint is mehr geshvint mit Gelt, Gelt, Gelt.
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
Macht yeder mench tzu frieden
Gelt, Gelt, Gelt
Fun shysters biz chassidim
Adoshem
Farzohr please alle Yidden
Gib unz fil gezint mit plenty Gelt, Gelt, Gelt!
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
You are so beloved
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
For you I'd jump in fire.
In the world
To live is a real pleasure
When the pockets are full of gelt, gelt, gelt.
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
It makes living quite enjoyable,
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
In dollars, dimes or little nickels.
I would appreciate
At least a million pieces,
All is copacetic when you have gelt, gelt, gelt.
You hear, gentlemen? Speaking of money, it reminds me of a time when I didn't have any. As a matter of fact, I still don't have it! Ah, for every penny I lack toward a million dollars, that many years should H*tler burn in Gehenna! But what I was trying to say is this: A few years ago, when there wasn't any Benny Bell Phonograph Records, I was forced to work to earn a living, G-d forbid. Well, my first job was in a button factory, and I would take home samples. A couple of buttons today, a couple of buttons tomorrow, and nobody ever bothered me. My second job was in a toothpick factory, and I also brought home samples. A couple of toothpicks today, a couple of toothpicks tomorrow, and they still didn't bother me. But when I acquired a job in the bank and took home samples-- a couple of dollars today, and a couple of dollars tomorrow...? Aha! Then I had no lack of troubles. The moral from that story is this: Whether you are rich, or whether you are destitute, it's always good to have lots and lots of money! Believe you me.
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
Without them comes many heartaches,
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
Great satisfaction comes unexpectedly.
To be in good health
Is also quite important,
Good health is appreciated better with gelt, gelt, gelt.
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
Makes every man comfortable,
Gelt, gelt, gelt!
From crooked lawyers to righteous men
O Lord above,
Please help out all Your people
Give us lots of health with plenty gelt, gelt, gelt!
Translation note: The hebrew word "orum" here used is an uncommon word not commonly used in Yiddish (literally meaning "naked"). Obviously this is self-contradictory; I believe it's a reference to the ancient joke where Reuven asked Shimon about a certain man's health, and Shimon told him that the man had died. Instead of using the Yiddish word for death "ehr habt geshtarben", though, he used the Hebrew word "ehr iz niftar gevorn" (he has passed on). Reuven, not understanding this Hebrew word, replied "Nifter-pifter, abi gezunt!" ("Dead-schmead, as long as he's healthy.") I translated "orum" as "destitute" to convey the sense of a three-dollar word used by someone who wasn't quite sure what it meant.
Kinder, kinder, her zich ein
A lidl gey ich zingen
Mein tatte hut dus oisgelernt
Tzu alle zeine yingen,
Nor eyn zach vill ich eich beyten
Veil ich hub zey'r shvacher lingen,
Beyt ich eich der lidl zulst dir helfen mir tzu zingen.
chorus: Ai, yai, yaddi-dai (etc.)
Ich ken a freiliche callah
Vos tomid zingt a lidl,
Ir chosson iz a klezmer
Un er shpielt auf a fidl
"Zi vet a mul zein a klezmer oich",
Dus zugt ir chosson Itzik,
Veil gantze teg un gantze nacht
Shpielt zi zich mit zein shmitchik!
chorus
Ich ken a mann, a feiner mann,
Un oich iz er a gitter,
Ober eyer hut a veib
Vos macht zein zeben bitter,
Ven zey nemen zich kriegen,
Tut zi in groys tzeluches,
Zi nemt a groys'n guppel und zi
Cratz't ir mann in punim!
chorus
In Bronzvil voint a blinder Yeed
Oy zul nit geshain du hinnen
Afilu dos lechele fun zein nuz
Ken er nit gefinnen
Er ziechen tapt, er fielt'n tapt,
Mer ruft eym "Shmiel der Blinder,"
Ich ken gur nit farshteyn vi-azoy
Der Yeed hut ziben kinder!!
chorus
Children, children, listen up
A song I'm going to sing,
My father went and taught it
To each one of his sons,
Just one thing I would beg you
As I have a very weak tongue,
I beg you that this song you would help me out in singing.
chorus: Tra, la la, (etc).
I know a joyous bride
Who always sings a song,
Her husband is a musician
Who plays upon a fiddle,
"She must have been a musician too,"
So says her husband Isaac,
For all day through and all night long
She's playing with his thingamajig.
chorus
I know a man, a fine man,
Who is also a very good man,
But he has got himself a wife
Who makes his life quite bitter
When they get to fighting
She acts with great spite,
She grabs a giant fork
And she scratches him in the face!
chorus
In Brownsville lives a blind Jew
????
Even the opening of his own nose
He is unable to find.
He ????
They call him "Blind Sammy",
I just can't understand how come
This Jew has seven children!!
chorus
Translation notes: (1) Shpilt zi zich mit zein shmitchik: (She plays with his thingamajig) OK, so it doesn't translate too well... I'm not sure what he's referring to, but I've got a pretty good guess.
(2) Cratzt ir man in punim (scratches him in the face): This is an example of humor by inappropriate rhyme, as in the Shaving Cream song: the (more off-color) word that belongs here is tuches (butt).
Of all the stupid music games I've ever heard in all my life
The "Fancy Definitions" song is brutal
I'm looking high and looking low to find the song that's crazier
But up to now my searching has been futile.
I therefore crown it king
So listen while I sing:
Here's a fancy definition of a sociable dope
Whose bellyache makes him scream
He's a chummy rummy with a crummy tummy
(boom boom) That's what I mean
Here's a fancy definition of a platinum blonde
Who gets up at 6:15
She's an early girlie with a pearly curly
(boom boom) That's what I mean.
Now a tough guy socked with a clarinet
Is a brute gets boot with a tootin' flute
And a handsome Scot with a bloody nose
Is a cute mon hoot with a shootin' snoot
A fancy definition of a very fresh girl
Whose body is like a queen
She's a sassy lassie with a classy chassis
(boom boom) That's what I mean.
Here's a fancy definition of a jolly young lad
Whose father is not so smart
He's a happy chappie with a sappy pappy
(boom boom) That's what I mean
Here's a fancy definition of an Eskimo dwarf
Whose finger is frozen stiff
He's a frigid midget with a rigid digit
(boom boom) That's what I mean.
Now a Greek who squints at an ugly swamp
He's a Greek can't peek at a freaky creek
A thief who's sick from a cut-up face
He's a sneak gets weak from a leaky cheek
A fancy definition of an Irish acrobat
Whose friend is a wise detective
He's a tricky Mickey with a slicky Dickie
(boom boom) That's what I mean by crackey
That's what I mean Nagasaki
That's what I mean call me Jackie
That's what I mean.
If you wanna have lots of cash
If you wanna have bills to flash
Go to work you jerk stop hanging around
If you wanna wear fancy clothes
If you wanna see Broadway shows
Go to work you jerk stop hanging around.
Nobody likes a lazy guy who's always broke
And believe me it's no joke
It makes you hazy, crazy
If you wanna be bright and gay
If you like three meals a day
Go to work you jerk stop hanging around.
[instrumental break, with vocal interjections:]
Hit the ramp you tramp
Hit the prairie you canary
Go get a job you slob
Hit the rut you mutt
Hit the lake you snake
Hit the trail you snail.
[followed by scatting that I'm not going to even try to reproduce.]
You know that the L_rd helps those who help themselves
Counting sheep by ones or twelves
Won't bring you money, sonny
If you wanna have lots of pals
If you wanna know pretty gals
Go to work you jerk stop hanging around.
Yesterday I took a drink of booze
Then I took another drink of booze
Then I drank another and then another and then another
And everything I saw, I saw in twos.
I started stumbling all around
Until I heard a funny sound
Like this: honk And this: moo
Benny Bell: Hey, wait a minute, boys. Who did that?
Unidentified female: I did it.
BB: And whaddaya think this is, a stable?
UF: It's only a small whistle.
BB: Well cut it out.
I did not know from where it came
But there I heard it just the same
Like this: honk And this: moo
BB: Ho, hold it. Didn't I tell you to cut it out?
UF: I couldn't help it, it slipped out.
BB: Well if you keep it in your pocket, it won't slip out.
I scratched my head, I scratched my neck
And I scratched my shiny nose
I scratched my teeth, I scratched my pants
And I even scratched my toes
But the more I scratched and watched the boys
The less I knew who made a noise
Like this: honk And this: moo
I'll never get drunk again.
honk
moo
BB: Whoa, it's raining cats and dogs outside.
UF: What makes you think it's raining cats and dogs?
BB: I just stepped into a poodle! Eeyow!
honk
moo
BB: Say do you know what the diaper said to the baby?
UF: I give up, what did the diaper say to the baby?
BB: Ya better drop it kid, I gotcha covered. Eeyow!
BB: Here's a riddle, honey. What's the difference between a bathroom and a kitchen sink?
UF: I dunno, what is the difference?
BB: Say, if you don't know the difference between a bathroom and a kitchen sink, don't you ever come up my house. Eeyow!
honk
moo
BB: Happy birthday to you my darling.
UF: Never mind, why didn't you get me a birthday present?
BB: Well, I tried to get you some toilet water, but the doggone seat kept falling down on my head! Eeyow!
Da da, da dat dat da...
But the more I scratched and watched the boys
The less I knew who made a noise
Like this: honk And this: moo
I'll never drink rye again
I'll start eating pie again
I'll never touch corn as sure as I'm born
And I'll never get drunk again.
Transcriber's note: The honk was a rising and falling note probably played on a tenor sax or something similar, and the moo sounded like an old-fashioned Klaxon horn, or might have been a baritone sax with a vibrating mute in it. Think "bass kazoo". The "Eeyow" (actually more like "Yee-hoo") was yelled by the whole band, apparently being the '30s equivalent of a rimshot.
McCarthy is dead, McGinnis don't know it
McGinnis is dead, McCarthy don't know it
They both lay dead on the very same bed
But neither one knows that the other is dead.
Before he died, this fellow McCarthy
One Saturday night got drunk at a party
He took a swing at Officer King
The next day he carried his head in a sling.
McCarthy was always good to his wife
He had to be so, or I pity his life
Although she was only half his size
She'd jump on a table and scratch out his eyes.
On Saint Patrick's Day he was there
A shine on his shoes and oil on his hair
He wore a green jacket and really looked swell
With a genuine shamrock in his lapel.
One day he was taking his wife to a dance
A dog took a chance and snapped at his pants
McCarthy got angry and started to sneer
Then lifted the mongrel and bit off its ear.
He drank like a fish, he ate like a savage
His favourite dish was corned beef and cabbage
He fought like a tiger, he hit like a mule
And boy could he knock off a good game of pool.
McCarthy and Mister McGinnis next door
Could never agree, they were always at war
Said he to McGinnis, "The day when you die
I'll buy everybody a strawberry pie."
Said Mister McGinnis to Mister McCarthy
"You may be tough, and healthy and hearty
But if you don't shut up and behave
You'll soon be asleep in a seven foot grave."
One stormy night, they met in the hall
To settle their argument once and for all
Now one used a shovel and one used a rock
And both were in heaven at seven o'clock.
So McCarthy is dead but McGinnis don't know it
McGinnis is dead and McCarthy don't know it
They both lay dead on the very same bed
But neither one knows that the other is dead.
We've got a date
Tonight at 8
And honey please don't make me wait
It's 7:30 dear and your neck is dirty dear
So hurry up or we'll be late
Meet me on the corner in a half an hour
Meet me on the corner in a half an hour
Meet me on the corner in a half an hour
Baby, I've got a surprise
So don't forget to be there in a half an hour
Don't forget to be there in a half an hour
I'll be waitin' for you in a half an hour
Baby, I'm puttin' you wise.
I'm gonna take you to a movie show
Or any place you'd like to go
We'll have some coffee or an ice cream cone
And after that, I'll take you home
So meet me on the corner in a half an hour
Meet me on the corner in a half an hour
If you disappoint me in a half an hour
Baby, I'll open your eyes.
I'm gonna take you to a local movie show
Or any place your little heart desires to go
We'll have some coffee or a chocolate ice cream cone
And after that... I'll take you home of course
So meet me on the corner in a half an hour
Meet me on the corner in a half an hour
If you disappoint me in a half an hour
Baby, I'll open your eyes.
My grandpa had a long one, it nearly touched his chin
My uncle has a small one, with hardly any skin
My daddy has a broad one, just like a rolling pin
But mine is big and round and fat
It looks more like a baseball bat
You never saw a nose like mine before.
Noses, noses, they run in my family
Some are big, some are small
Some you cannot see at all
Noses, noses, for over a century
Now isn't it a shame,
There are no two the same.
My cousin has a bent one, it really is a pip
My nephew has a short one, with freckles on the tip
His stepson has a thin one, just like a horse's whip
But mine I tell you beats the band
My sweetie thinks it's simply grand
You never saw a nose like mine before.
My brother has a big one, that's always in his way
His junior has a hard one just like a hunk of clay
My uncle has a cold one that leaks all through the day
But mine's a peach, I tell you guys
It really ought to win a prize
You never saw a nose like mine before.
Dr. Demento: Welcome to the Dr Demento Show, Benny Bell!
Benny Bell: (sings) Haddaya do, Doc Demento, haddaya do? (haddaya do)
It's so nice to be with you this is true (mighty true)
Before the night is done I think we'll have a lot of fun
Haddaya doodle doodle doodle Haddaya do.
DD: Ah, Benny Bell on the Dr Demento Show, Without further ado, let's play one of the many hits that you've recorded over the years. This is a song called "Ikey & Mikey", and when did you record this one?
BB: Well, the inspiration for this song came from an old joke, lemme tell you about it.
DD: All right.
BB: Ikey and Mikey were two brothers who lived in a tenement on the Lower East Side, on the fourth floor. One day their mother went shopping. When she arrived on the sidewalk, she remembered that she'd left her keys upstairs. So she yelled up: "Ikey, throw down my key!" My Key, so he grabs his brother Mikey and he throws him out the window! And that was the inspiration for "Ikey and Mikey". Now let's suffer...
Ikey and Mikey were digging in a well,
Said Ikey to Mikey, "I hope you go to Hel-
-en's birthday party, you will be quite a hit."
Said Mikey to Ikey, "I think you're full of shi-
-sh-ke-bab and pizza, and you drink a lot of tea,
And every hour on the hour you have to make a pe-
-anut butter sandwidge, to feed your hungry heart,
But when you eat those Boston beans you always leave a far-
-eign letter in my mailbox- you're a crazy man,
Sometimes I get so angry I could kick you in the can-
-dy store and hold your head, beneath the water tap,
'Cause when you say you're sorry, that's just a lot of cra-
-bgrass, my buddy, so if you're really wise,
You'll ask me no more questions and I'll tell you no more lies."
Ikey and Mikey, in a most exclusive place,
Were held up by a mugger, who cut up Ikey's fa-
-vourite coat and robbed him, and hit him with a hose,
But Mikey grabbed the scoundrel, and punched him in the no-
-good head repeatedly, until he ran away,
So Ikey and Mikey went back to New York City,
The fun place, a town they can't resist,
Where there is law and order, and crime does not exist.
Ikey and Mikey once had a luncheon date,
They paid the man a quarter for a doughnut on a plate.
The waiter said, "Your quarter has a hole, through and through,"
So Ikey told the waiter, "Your doughnut has one too."
Now Ikey and Mikey are known from coast to coast,
And everybody drinks up when they hear their famous toast.
"The morning sun may kiss the grass
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine can kiss the glass
And you my friends...
...Drink hearty!"
BB: Thank you.
DD: Where were you born, first of all?
BB: On 37 Broome Street, Manhattan. It runs parallel with Delancey St, which is more popular than Broome St.
DD: Well tell me about Delancey St, and the way it was.
BB: Delancey St was the Yiddish Broadway.
DD: Really. Is that the Lower East Side?
BB: Very low!
DD: Okay, and how did you break into show business?
BB: I was a Professional Amateur.
DD: Ha ha.
BB: That's right, in 1925 or 1926, the theaters would drum up a lot of business by running amateur contests with local talent, and there was a first prize, a second prize, and a third prize. Now there was many neighborhoods where there was no local talent, so there were booking agents who would send you down professional amateurs. They were professional, they would be paid three dollars per performance. If they won, they would have to refund the winning to the management.
DD: Oh really.
BB: Yeh they never kept the winnings, but the audience didn't know that they were professionals.
DD: I see.
BB: A couple of times I won. Most of the times I lost, and it was a good beginning, a good training ground for us fellows.
DD: What kind of entertainment did you do?
BB: I played with the ukulele, and my favorite song was, "When the black, black robin comes bob,bob,bobbing along." That was my top tune.
DD: So you did the pop songs of the day then, in the 1920's.
BB: Oh, naturally. None of my own.
DD: But then you did start writing your own songs pretty quickly, didn't you.
BB: Yes, then when the jukeboxes... I wrote beautiful songs, ballads, the nicest songs you ever heard in your life, but I couldn't do a thing with them! When the jukeboxes came out, one of the executives from RCA tipped me off, he told me that the jukeboxes would play, you know, songs, spicy songs... not dirty songs, but spicy songs. Double entendre.
When I was a handsome young fellow,
I sure had the time of my life
But one day a man broke my backbone,
When I ran away with his
Sweet vi-o-lets
Sweeter than all the roses,
Covered all over from head to foot,
Covered all over with snow.
One day I forgot my suspenders
And took my girl out to a dance
While dancing I heard someone holler,
Hey! Mister, you're losing your
Sweet vi-o-lets... (etc).
I once took a shave and a haircut,
The barber was drunk, goodness knows
He took out a big brand-new razor
And he cut off the tip of my
Sweet vi-o-lets... (etc.)
[Note: Unlike most of Benny's recordings, which for the most part were done by trios or other small combos, this one featured a big band with horns and woodwinds, etc.]
BB: Very little on the live stage, but a good deal on the "Borscht Circuit".
DD: Tell me about the "Borscht Circuit". What is the "Borscht Circuit"? A lot of people here may not really know what that is.
BB: They are hotels in the Catskill Mountains. [ed: try the Homowack Lodge, Spring Glen, NY for an authentic example. -Advt.]
DD: Kind of the resort area...
BB: Summer resort, exclusively.
DD: And so you'd go out and perform there in the resort, what: in the lodge or something?
BB: Sometimes I would do that. Most of the times, my wife would have a little bungalow on the outskirts, and I would visit her, and I would entertain in the big hotels, and they would pay me with a good dinner on Sunday.
DD: Were you singing your "spicy songs"?
BB: Everything. Mainly Yiddish language.
DD: Mainly in the Yiddish language?
BB: Yes. Or English comedy. For the popular songs, they had very very good vocalists. Popular vocalists, recording stars.
DD: I understand that quite a lot of famous performers kind of got their start in the "Borscht Circuit".
BB: All of them.
DD: Did you run into any of them, back in the '30's? People who...
BB: No. They would play the Concord, and all the big hotels; I used to play the cockemaimeshe hotels.
DD: (laughs) The Cockamamy Hotel! Where's that?
BB: They're little ones, that cost less than $25 a week.
DD: I see. So you did a lot of performing in Yiddish then, eh?
BB: Oh yeh, a good deal of that.
DD: Okay, I just happen to have here a recording of you singing Yiddish. I've never played one of these on the show, but lemme play just a little bit, so people can hear what you sound like.
BB: You can play a lot...
[DD plays the intro to "The Big Broadcast" (see separate entry); BB can be heard singing along in the background. The part played here is reproduced below:]
Tut vos ich heys eich, zeit nit a "dunce"
Use Lemke's bedbrok spray un derharget yeder vantz.
Oyb ihr hut "Landsleit", tut vos ich zug:
Use Bleckjeck cockeridge poder, drei mul a tug... [record fades out]
DD: Can you tell us what you're singing about, or will we get in trouble?
BB: That was a Yiddish commercial.
DD: A Yiddish commercial? For what?
BB: For cockroach powder.
DD: Oh really! So you made a lot of records in Yiddish, as well as in English, isn't that right?
BB: That was my start. There was no yiddish records at all. So I tried one. "Blessing the Bride."
DD: I have that one.
BB: (sings) 'Oy kalenyu, kalenyu, zul'st pekimmin de platz
Veil du hust mir a punim vi a gepeyge'te katz...'
and stuff like that. It's very very funny.
DD: Translation please!
BB: All clean. When a bride would get married, there would be a sort of a rabbi, who would bless the bride, bless the groom, and this was the opposite of blessing. This was cursing! And that was very funny. Yiddish people like that kind of humor.
DD: I see. I wish I knew the language. But we have a song that you did in English, which is about, perhaps, one of the same characters that you might have sung about in one of the Yiddish songs, if I'm not mistaken, the one about Pincus the Peddler. This was one of your biggest hits, wasn't it.
BB: It was based on part of my life, because I was a peddler.
DD: I was about to ask you if you knew Pincus, so...
BB: My brother-in-law had a pushcart in Williamsburg. Williamsburg is the lower part of Brooklyn, just as Delancey St was the lower part of Manhattan.
DD: Ah yes. Well this song, which is in English, it tells quite a story. It tells about a man who came from the Old Country, like, where would that have been, the Old Country?
BB: Like my father, Slobodka.
DD: Slobodka... where's that?
BB: In Russia.
DD: In Russia, I see.
BB: That was a time when Russia and Poland was one country. Rus-Poland, we used to call it.
DD: I see. So you must have spoken Yiddish in your house as a kid then.
BB: Exclusively. In fact I couldn't speak English until I entered school, and I didn't want to go to school, and they hadda get me a teacher who understood Yiddish.
DD: Well you learned it very well, and in English now, let's bring on Benny Bell and the...
BB: Oh incidentally Doc, Pincus the Peddler was my first big hit.
DD: Ah yes.
BB: That was my first big hit. It was a jukebox special, and it was never played on the air. And yet it was very very successful, and I'm very nostalgic, because that's part of me, it reflects my life. I love that song, as much as "Shaving Cream".
DD: Benny Bell with his "Agony Trio".
I'm Pincus the Peddler,
A broken-hearted peddler,
The most unlucky feller that was ever born,
My Mama in Slobodka
Was drinking too much vodka
And left me stranded on a Sunday morn.
My Papa was a plumber
Who doubled as a drummer
I never really saw that feller wear a frown,
His whiskers were the longest
The toughest and the strongest
How well they used to keep his pants from falling down!
Oh otchi tschor-nye-ay
Califor-nye-ay,
Pennsylva-nye-ay,
I'm Pincus the Peddler, Brooklyn U.S.A.
I didn't want to struggle
So I planned a way to smuggle
My Papa and myself into the U.S.A,
We knew just how to do it
And so before we knew it
We landed in Canarsie on a stormy day.
Oh but soon I met a woman,
A dirty rotten woman,
At first she made me happy then she made me blue,
Instead of gaining knowledge
By sending me to college
She sent me to the races and they cleaned me through.
Oh otchi tschor-nye-ay,
Oh Mississipp-i-ay
Oh Albuquerqu-e-ay,
I'm Pincus the Peddler, Brooklyn U.S.A.
'Twas at a game of rummy
She called me a dummy
I punched her in the mouth because that makes me mad,
She lifted her umbrella
So I kicked her down the cellar
And broke the nicest girdle that she ever had.
She went to Ellis Island
To send me back to my land
The things she told the people there was very bad,
I never thought they'd do it
And yet before I knew it
They packed my trunk and sent me back to Petrograd.
Oh otchi tshor-nye-ay,
Good old Jamaica Bay,
Hooray for Rockaway,
I'm Pincus- but no more in the U.S.A.
[Break for a commercial]
DD: You're listening to the Dr. Demento show on 103.5, WAPP, Lake Success, New York City. [Ed: The station is now 96.9-WSKQ, and no longer carries the Dr Demento show :-( ]
[Plays live version of _Shaving Cream_ with himself and BB.]
BB: Do you know there are no twin beds in the nicest little whorehouse in Texas? No twin beds over there. Do you know that there's a song by the title of "Shaving Cream"? (crowd reaction) I know, I'm the guy what wrote it!
I Have a sad story to tell you
It may hoit your feelings a bit
(well, we all know the words... this is elsewhere in the server, so I'll
skip transcribing it.)
DD: Benny Bell, my special guest, got one more little story for us?
BB: Now?
DD: Yeah, now.
BB: At my advanced age, I'm not good looking or handsome as I'd like to be, or as I was in my heyday. Nevertheless, my wife refers to me as a Don Juan. She's misunderstood; what she means, is after one, I'm done!
DD: Benny Bell, it's sure been great having you here as a guest on the Dr. Demento Show, and it's also been great having you here, Molly Bell, Benny's wife of how many years?
BB: 54 years of marriage and 5 years of keeping company.
DD: And counting. OK, Benny Bell, great to have you here.
BB: A pleasure to be here.
DD: Stay dee-mented!
Back to the list of demented lyrics