This file is courtesy of the Demented Music Database at dmdb.org

Internet Leaks EP

available as digital download August 25, 2009

Contents:
  1. Whatever You Like
  2. Craigslist
  3. Skipper Dan
  4. CNR
  5. Ringtone

Whatever You Like

(parody of "Whatever You Like" by T.I.)

available as iTunes digital download only October 7, 2008
available on other digital download services October 21, 2008

Hey girl, you know our economy's in the toilet,
But I'm still gonna treat you right.

I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Tater Tots
Cold Duck on ice,
And we can clip coupons all night,
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please, (please)
Like Burger King or Mickey D's
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can even have the large fries. (The large fries.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Baby you should know I'm really quite a sweet guy.
When I buy you bathroom tissue I always get the 2-ply.
Want it you can get it my dear,
I got my Costco membership card right here.

Yeah, you like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen,
Got a cupboard full of 'em, I'll keep 'em comin'.
You want it, I got it, go get it, just heat it,
Dump a flavor packet on it and eat it.
(Hey!)

Pork and beans (beans) and Minute Rice (Rice)
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

I can take you to the laundromat downtown (town)
And watch all the clothes go 'round and 'round
And baby we can go wherever you like. (If you like.)
I said we can go wherever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Hottest shorty I know,
If you had some lipo,
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio.

Seven dollar bills rolled
Up inside my plastic billfold.
Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day old.

And you never ever gotta wear you sister's old clothes
Long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinko's.
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl.
You ain't gotta pay me, that's the way that I roll.

My chick can have what she want.
At Wal-Mart she can pick out anything she want.
I know though you ain't never had a man like that,
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that.

Yeah, you like my Hyundai,
See my Hyundai,
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday.
But that's kind of far, and I'm not made a cash,
Do you think you could chip in for gas?

Mac and cheese (cheese) would be all right, (right)
But let's send out for pizza tonight,
And you can order any toppins you like. (If you like.)
I said you can even have the last slice. (The last slice.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Ran myself a cable from my neighbor next door. (door)
Now I can get free HBO,
And baby you can watch whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can watch whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

And you can always ride the city bus.
Got a stack of tokens just for us.
Yo, my wallet's fat, and full of ones.
It's all about the Washingtons.
That's right.

You want White Castle, (Castle)
Need White Castle.
Long as you got me, it won't be no hassle.
You want it, we'll get it,
Just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch a napkins for later.

Thrift store jeans (jeans)
On sale half price. (price)
The underwear at Goodwill is nice,
And baby you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have whatever you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. (Yeah.)

Baby I can give you anything you please,
Even share my government cheese,
And baby you can have as much as you like. (If you like.)
I said you can have as much as you like. (If you like.)
Yeah. Yeah. (Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.)

Craigslist

(style parody of The Doors)

available as digital download June 16, 2009

Woah yeah!

You've got a '65
Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive
A custom paint job too.
I'll trade ya for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler if you insist.
Craigslist!
I'm on craigslist, baby, come on!
Yeah.

Well, we shared a quick glance
Saturday at the mall.
I never took a chance,
Never approached you at all.
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas.
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask.
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed.
On craigslist!
Yeah, craigslist, come on!
I'm on craigslist!
Well, baby, maybe you are too.
Bee-bomp-a-chomp-ka-dong bim-bam-boo

An open letter to the snotty barrista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard.
I know there were 20 people behind me in line,
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother.
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means, "I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes."
So what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you!

Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts.
You can have 'em for free.
You can drop by on the weekend,
And pick 'em up from me.
But the trash can ain't part of the deal.
Only givin' you the peanuts - get real.
Don't have no Hefty bag, so bring your own.
Don't bug me with questions on the phone.
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time.
And don't complain, 'cause they won't cost you a dime.
Just ask yourself, do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts.
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have 'em all.

They're on craigslist, yeah!
Craigslist!
Oh, baby, come on!
I'm on craigslist, craigslist, craigslist
I'm on craigslist, craigslist, craigslist, now!
Craigslist!

Skipper Dan

available as digital download July 14, 2009

I starred in every high school play,
Blew every drama teacher away,
Graduated first in my class at Juilliard.

Took every acting workshop I could,
And I dreamed of Hollywood,
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard.

Hit the boards and paid my dues,
And got phenomenal rave reviews.
I knew the world was gonna love me without a doubt.

I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone,
Annie Leibowitz'd shoot me for Rollin' Stone,
But the years have come and gone and I'm sorry to say
That's not the way that it's all worked out.

I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride,
Skipper Dan is the name.
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day,
And every time it's the same.

"Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears!"
(Just like they've done for the last 50 years.)
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes, but I'm cryin' inside,
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.

Oh, the critics they used to say
I was the new Olivier.
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance, or maybe Cannes.

Ah, but don't bother tryin' to imdb me.
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland.
It ain't exactly what I planned...

But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride,
Skipper Dan is the name.
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day,
And every time it's the same.

I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow".
But what's the difference? That's all behind me now.
'Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin' my pride,
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.

I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "Twelve Angry Men",
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again!

Nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah nah (spoken: Bengal tigers can jump over 20 feet.)
Nah nah nah nah nah nah (spoken: That's an African bull elephant.)
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah (spoken: There it is, the back side of water.)
Nah nah nah nah nah nah (spoken: What have I done with my life?)

I shoulda listened when my grandfather said,
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died,
And I'll probably work forever as...

A tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride,
Skipper Dan is the name.
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day,
And every time it's the same.

"Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears!"
Somebody shoot me 'cause I'm bored to tears.
Always said I'd be famous; I guess that I lied,
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride.
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride!

CNR

(style parody of The White Stripes)

available as digital download August 4, 2009

Charles Nelson Riley was a mighty man,
The kind of man you'd never disrespect.
He stood eight foot tall, wore glasses,
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck.

He ate his own weight in coal,
And excreted diamonds every day.
He could throw you down a flight of stairs,
But you still would love 'im anyway.
Yeah, you know you'd love 'im anyway.

Charles Nelson Riley won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missing chain.
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry,
I'm tellin' you the man was insane.

He could rip out your beatin' heart,
'n show it to you right before you died.
Every day he make the host of "Match Game"
Give 'im a piggyback ride.
Yeah, a two hour piggyback ride.
Giddy up, Gene!

A ninja warrior, master of disguise,
He could melt your brain with his laser beam eyes.
Oh yeah, oh yeah!

He had his very own line at the DMV.
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee.
Oh yeah, oh yeah that was somethin' to see, I tell ya!

Charles Nelson Riley figured out cold fusion,
But he never ever told a soul.
I've seen the man unhitch his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole.

He'd bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn't treat 'im like a star.
'Cause you can spit in the wind, or tug on Superman's cape,
But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR.
No no no!
Talk about CNR.
Oh...

Ringtone

(style parody of Queen)

available as digital download August 25, 2009

Once, not very long ago,
I was respected, I was popular,
But now I hang my head in shame.
My life is filled with such regrets,
A bad mistake I can't forget,
And now I'll never be the same.

Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all. (What was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call.

Well, everybody (everybody),
Everybody (everybody),
Everybody in the world really hates my
Ringtone!

When my phone goes off at work,
I look like the biggest jerk.
Total strangers want to slap me around.
When it's ringin' on the terrace,
My neighbors get embarrased.
They're beggin' me to move out of town.
Well, it made my wife so sick
She smashed my iPhone with a brick,
But I had it fixed and now it's just fine.
It's a pain, I sure don't need it,
And I probably should delete it,
But for me that would be crossin' the line,
'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety-nine.

Hey, I paid good money for this
Ringtone!
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all. (Really, what was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call.

Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my
Ringtone!

Ringtone!
Ringtone!
Aaah Aaah
Oooh oooh oh oh

Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone)
Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone)
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone)
Even folks with ebola (just hate my ringtone)
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers),
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers),
Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea,
Every single person everywhere unanimously.

Everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...
Ringtone...


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